A Day At The Hospital

So on Sunday I rub my eyes and see double for a few minutes. Wash my eye out and see everything fine. But Monday morning go to my actual doctor for like a rinse for my eye.

Instead he tells me it's all probably fine and I should go right away to the hospital and get a MRI just to be sure.

"Don't worry," he said. "It will only take a half hour."

Holy Jesus God was he wrong.

Over the next 14 hours I was kept in a place at the hospital without food or water (both of which can interfere with their tests.)

Thankfully even though I've been vaping I bought a pack of cigarettes (part of deal with doctor to get me to go) because fuck if there was anything else to do.

Anyway the pattern went like this.

Got in. Seen immediately.

They did tests.

An hour and a half or two hours goes by.

They come out and do more tests.

None of these are the MRI I was sent for.

The third test I thought was a MRI but apparently was an actual brain scan.

Anyway these were entirely student doctors.

After about 10 hours (and who knows how many tests. Eight? Nine? Lord knows) I finally get a real doctor.

Who says:

"You should get a MRI."

I'm like "Dude that's what I came for but actually I'm fucking ghosting on you guys at this point."

He talks me into it.

Another couple hours go bye.

Finally get it.

Another hour goes bye.

I get a different doctor.

I'm like "hey what happened to my original doctor?"

She's like "his shift was over."

I'm like "OK Fine. Am I dying?"

She's like "No. We are 95% sure you are fine. Aren't you happy you got the MRI?"

I'm like "Yeah, but I"m not happy about the bazzilion other tests you gave me. And can I please get this needle that you seriously have used like eight times to drip weird fluid in me out of my arm?"

She's like "I'll have someone get that out of you right away."

I'm like "I'd really appreciate that since I've been here for 14 hours now."

Anyway like a half hours goes by and nobody turns up to take it out.

So I decided to take the initiative and gently pull it out myself.

This causes a geyser of blood to spill all across the waiting room and anyone within five feet of me.

Withing two seconds they are out bandaging me up and telling me I can leave.

Challenger To President Trump Emerges

(CNN) - Dr. Harleen Quinzell has announced that she will be challenging President Donald J. Trump for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2020.

Speaking to a crowd in Iowa, the respected psychiatrist announced that "My love of the land is pure. My dedication to corn and all things that grow is eternal. Long live Iowa and long live my reign as President."

The announcement, while early and unexpected, may rock the GOP establishment.

"I'm a long time friend of Dr. Quinzell," said GOP Senator Orin Hatch. "She's smart. She's dedicated. She knows what she's doing. And she's very far out of the establishment. Beyond that she is a saner alternative to President Trump."

Outgoing Speaker Of The House Paul Ryan agreed.

"I know Donald Trump. One thing I can tell you is Dr. Quinzell is no Donald Trump."

Vice President Michael Pence, however, said he was not concerned.

"We have heard many rumors about the sexuality of Miss. Quinzell. That alone will knock her out the race."

President Trump meanwhile tweeted "DR QUINZELL IS A LESBO SLUT. i am the man! BAD WOMAN."

Latest Book Of Despair Exerpt

News of Lurch's death spread like wildfire. It could not be contained.

Reporters showed up again. Cops milling everywhere. Filling all the gay bars. Questioning everyone.

Lurch and his family were known in Ireland. The UK press covered it. The Irish press covered it. Bigger than a dead girl. A dead guy. Rich. White. Newly gay. It sparked danger. It lit up as a cautionary tale.

Lurch's parents came and quickly got the kids out of town. His son was heading to gay conversion therapy. They left the bar to be run by the manager. He was skimming all he could. In a couple months, he knew the bar would be shuttered. Grab the money now.

The Drunk saw all this. Inhaled it. Sat in the bar with The Ageless Girl. She appreciated it. She'd known this was coming.

“It's a smoke screen,” she said. “People are going crazy. Now you can really do what you need to do.”

He was uncertain. Not really sure of her motives. But he liked what was happening. It reminded him of before. But bigger. Better. More alive.

“People are watching,” he said. “It's harder now to kill people.”

“Not the people you want to kill,” she said. “Rich people are on everyone's minds. Not regular gays. Not the rude ones.”

Her theory – the cops only cared about Lurch because he was rich. The papers cared about Lurch because he was rich and gay – but they weren't the ones with warrants and the ability to investigate.

He didn't know if she was right or wrong. Still, he loved the sense of despair hanging in the air. People pretending to be sad. Creating people who really were sad.

Nobody had really given a shit about Lurch when he was alive. Dead, he was some kind or martyr. And he was taking all of the police's time and energy. He was the thing they had to control. To find a narrative out of the plot.

The despair was groovy. Motivated cops. Sad people. The Irish did sad in a cool, crisp, solemn way.

He downed his drink. Didn't bother paying for it. The manager knew he knew about the skim. Didn't give a fuck if he drank a few pints and did a few shots.

“I have to go,” the Ageless Girl said. “I'll see you soon.”


“When the time is right.”

Dark Souls Remastered - Day Four

Only played for about and hour and half today.

First 45 minutes were spent trying to kill the metal pig. Then I realized that I was losing because of the poison I was getting from the rats right before him.

Second 45 minutes was spent trying to avoid getting poisoned by the rats.

Did not succeed in this but because this is also a grinding opportunity got enough souls to level up. Put my stats into hit points because the last three level ups went into strength.

Hopefully I'll figure out the poison thing tomorrow so I can get onto the pig.

Dark Souls Remastered - Day Three

So I start out trying to figure out how to use my battle axe so I can just have it when I face Taurus Demon instead of trying to equip it.

Spend an hour on this and realize it leaves me really vulnerable. So I switch back to my long sword.

But almost immediately there is a problem. The game starts giving me warnings about my weapon and when I'm fighting it takes two hits to kill a guy that only took one hit before. So clearly weapons degrade.

I switch to a short sword - which, holy shit, is much easier than the long sword and seems to do just as much damage.

I use it to grind up two levels and put those stats into strength instead of hit points because someone suggested I do that.

Head back to the Taurus Demon It takes me about 15 tries but I beat it with the highly complex (and maybe wrong?) method of climbing up to the tower in the area and falling on it. After falling on it about four times it dies.

I run forward and... there is no fucking bonfire (save point.) I run out and talk to a dude who kills me immediately. Retry and the other way to go leaves me on a ledge with a dragon doing an insta kill on me.

For the first time I google because I see no way out of this. Do so and discover there is a downward thing I can run into before I get to the dragon.

I do that and find a ladder leading me back to the old bonfire. Oh well, it's better than nothing. I heal up and climb the ladder again.

Now I fuck around moving forward and killing a couple guys until this giant all metal warthog comes out and kills me.

Look at the clock, realize I've been playing for four hours and decide to figure out the warthog next time around.

Dark Souls Remastered - Day Two

Went to see Mission Impossible Fallout so only had about an hour and half to invest in this today.

As suggested yesterday yes you can run past most of the enemies in order to get the Taurus Demon. So spent some time figuring out which ones I could run past and which ones I had to fight. Finally figured this out.

Then went and fought the Taurus Demon about six or seven times getting killed each time. Then I notice there is a thing I can climb. Go back, kill the skeletons up there and try to land on the Taurus Demon.

Try this about four times and no luck. Am fucking around on my controller and realize I can change weapons. Change to battle axe and I'm able to get the Taurus Demon about one hit from death before I am killed.

This causes me to switch to battle axe for good. The problem is I'm so used to the sword that it takes me a bunch of tries to get used to the axe.

Finally get back to Taurus Demon and once more get within a hit or two of killing it and then I die.

Will play again on Tuesday and hopefully beat Taurus Demon.

Dark Souls Remastered - Day One

So, whenever I post about a video game someone always comments "You should try Dark Souls! It's so hard!"

I find that weird because I'm either a great player or a horrible player. Horizon Zero Dawn? Everyone complains that's hard and I sailed through it killing robo dinos left and right.

But something like Portal 2? Man I could not get past the third or fourth puzzle - after three weeks of trying.

I held a fundraiser which raised about 3/4's of the money needed to buy the game and then kicked in the rest on my own. I went in knowing nothing about the game.

Downloaded it and clicked "Start."

First off is 15 minutes of ads from Playstaion telling me I should be playing it online and giving me discount codes to sign up for PS Plus. No deal.

I finally get to the game. Make my character and then sit through 15 minutes of intro that may or may not have helpful information in it but lord if I'll ever know because after about five minutes I gave up paying any attention to it.

Game finally starts. I'm locked in a dungeon but go figure there's an easy to find key and then I'm out and there's all this information written on the floors that is shit like "Hit R2 for a hard attack."

I move though it pretty easily and actually figured out accidentally that the first time you see the big demon you are supposed to run the fuck away from it.

Spend an hour figuring out how to kill stuff. Kill stuff and then it's back to the real fight against this demon. First six times I fail at it.

Then I decide to read the words on the ground in front of the entrance to the demon (I'd given up reading them a while ago.) It says "Hit R1 in mid air to do a big attack."

Ah. Will be reading more of those later. So I do the the flying attack and it rids the thing of half it's hit points and I'm good to beat it.

Which then starts the real version of the game with stats and experience points (souls) and leveling up.

All in all from the bonfire (save point) that I'm at there are roughly six ways to go. Try out the fire three and kill a couple skeletons and get some useful objects. Try the fourth and fifth and get instadeath and figure they are not the way to go.

So the sixth way is the charm. And after getting killed about 40 times I figure it out. You are supposed to grind in this game.

I start grinding. My character gets souls (XP) and I start moving through the game. For the next two hours or so I kill about a dozen guys, go back to my bonfire, level up and throw all my experience points into vitality.

Do this through something called World Of The Undead or some bullshit until I get to Taurus Demon. Try killing him once, get smushed look at the time and realize I've been playing for four hours.

At this point I'm Level 17 with Vitality of 23. No clue if that's good or not.

My overall impression so far is not that it's hard but that it doesn't tell you you have to grind. Once you are willing to grind enough it seems a hell of a lot easier than Horizon Zero Dawn where I had 45 things to choose from for every attack.

My complaints are no pause button and that bonfires (save points) seem pretty fucking few and far between.

Book Of Despair - Excerpt

Feel like I might as well post and excerpt from The Book Of Despair just so you'll get a sense of what I'm going at!

If you like it you can sign up at Patreon!

You'll not only get the first nine chapters of The Book Of Despair</a> you'll also get the entire Book Of Doom!

Anyway - here you go!


The Ageless Girl never spent much time wondering, “Is this all there is to life?”

She saw it as endless possibilities. Endless ways to break people. A nihilism she took as her birthright. So angry it went beyond nihilism and into a greater meaning.

The world was wrong. Disappointed girls. But disappointed boys too. Expectations. They can't be met. Nobody was really connecting. She just sped things up. Entering the process. Seeing things for how they really are.

A generation lost in space. Going out. Meeting people. Bad sex. Coming home. Telling yourself it was good sex. Eventually meeting the person you'd have bad sex with for the rest of your life.

But random belonged in there too. The chance to break out. For one great fuck. For a thousand great fucks. Or for no fucks at all. Just rubbing your cock or your clit forever.

She was the agent of that change. Pushing girls to pussy. Pushing guys to either be good or be with other men or by themselves. Pussyfree boys. Cockfree girls. Anything to either push away or extend the malaise.

People had started to give up decades ago. Taking meaning out of sex. Out of relationships. She yearned for the 1940s and '50s, when sex was taboo. Taboo was fun. Gay, straight, lesbian, bi. All sex was forbidden. It was supposed to be. When everything tells you not to do something that's when it gives you real joy.

But now, there was no joy. Despair was the word floating around town and the world. Everyone felt it. Everyone thought they were the only ones who did. So they played like they were happy. Buying shots. Doing lines of coke. Getting themselves to a point where they could fuck. The sounds of fake orgasms everywhere. Grunting boys fucking girls they saw as disposable.

Deep down, the girls believing they may be disposable. Not seeing what lies beyond.

Today, The Ageless Girl sips coffee in a cafe. Watches people walk by. The boys are obvious in who they check out. The girls, more subtle. Most boys wouldn't notice.

Looks of hunger. Of desperation. But it's daytime. Nobody really hunting yet. She'd love to break a boy or take a girl. But the timing isn't right. This is all posturing.

So she sips her coffee and plans.

Something bigger is coming. She feels it. She knows it. It makes her wet.

Mr. Information - Kids, Shrinks And A Biological Clock - Oh My!

Dear Mr. Information:

If your therapist says your troubled relationship is no good, but you're at the age you want to have children, and you love the person, and they say they will get therapy for their problems (which they agree are narcissism and a very bad temper)... and you think your therapist, who you trust innately, is projecting a bit (she called him revolting.. then apologised)... what do i do? I love him. He wants a future. The same future. We have our kids' names picked out. He's a beautiful uncle to his sister's three kids. But he can be cruel and irresponsible and definitely has some narcissistic personality disorder stuff. He admits it. For background: he's 41. i'm 38. We both take meds - me for depression, him for ADD/depression. And to complicate ... we seem to have OCD (he's diagnosed, i'm not), but his is full on OCD-hoarding, mine is minor OCD scrub and clean for days and don't sleep when i'm anxious.

Do I say "go to therapy, i'll continue with mine, we review in six/twelve months?" or do i give it up?


First off don't have kids now.

Someone with a tempter now will get much more of a temper when a baby is crying at 2 a.m. for the fourth time that night.

"Cruel and irresponsible" is not great baby daddy material at all.

So, whatever you are thinking about doing - put it in the back of your mind for now.

The second issue I see is your shrink. You say you trust her innately - yet she called him revolting. I see two possible things here:

1. Your shrink is right in calling him revolting and you know it but don't want to accept it.

2. Your shrink is bad for you and you are placing your trust in them selectively which is super bad news.

I suspect #1 is correct, but I'm not there so I don't know.

Thirdly, why is he not in therapy right the fuck now? Like he really needs you to tell him to go? You've already sorta told him to go by bringing it up in the first place.

My GF when I was crazy was like "what about therapy." A week later I was there because I valued the relationship and knew her bringing it up was a warning sign.

Why has he not picked up on this? Is he maybe thinking "If I fuck her enough she'll get pregnant, I'll get to keep her and I won't need to go to therapy ever!"

If that's the case good luck in custody hearings/at the hospital/dealing with CPS in two to three years.

Fourthly, your relationship doesn't sound that great. One crazy person is enough. You don't need to combine two crazies.

What sounds "great" is that he says he wants kids and has picked the kids names out.

That may be blinding you to all the other issues in your relationship.

Again, you know this better than I and with the limited information I have I may be wrong, but you can take or leave it.

Finally... my advice.

Dating and being with a narcissistic asswipe can be great. I'm the last person in the world to say "avoid it."

But having a child with a douchecanoe isn't great at all. It may hurt someone else and will certainly set you up for moral and legal trouble.

So, if he's really your soul mate don't have kids with him. Be your own functional/dysfunctional couple - without kids.

If kids are something you really want you need to either:

1. Find someone else.

2. Wait and see what happens. He may spontaneously go to therapy. In a year or two therapy might have him be a responsible person. Then you can have a kid with him.

But the problem here is you are 38 and the clock is ticking. Having kids with him is something in the far, not near future. Can you wait until you are 41 or 42 and then look at him honestly and if he's not the right one at that point start looking for a new baby daddy?

That's up to you.

Bottom line - three options;

1. Stay with him and don't have kids.

2. Stay with him and hope he changes his mind and you can easily get pregnant in two to three years.

3. Dump the motherfucker.

My opinion is #1 or #3 is the best option.

If he was serious about therapy he'd be there already.

Book Of Despair Chapter Five Is Up! With A Preview!

It's on Patreon - where you can sign up and see all the chapters!

Figuring you probably want to know what it's about here's a section from Chapter Five!

If you like it go to Patreon and throw me a couple bucks to read more!

"At the Lipstick Lesbian's place. It's just starting to pick up.

Rome Girl is there with The Coven. She didn't clean herself up at all. Cum dripping out of her. Drying on her chest. Sprayed around her thighs.

She hurts. He was so big. He lasted forever. So sub to her. The human dildo. Available to ride all night long. No sleep.

The Bloody Mary's just starting to kick in. Looking at her English Breakfast. Eggs. English bacon. Baked beans. Mushroom. Tomatoes. All covered in brown sauce. Mixing it together. It looks like blood. Another drink and she'd be able to eat it.

The conversation turned to who they'd all fucked that night. Girl gossip with an edge.

They'd all scored of course. Confident women with an agenda could always get dick. It didn't matter your age. It didn't matter what you looked like. Dick was free of charge and everywhere. Floating in the wild.

Not as dangerous as it seemed. Cock could be tamed. Men were weak. Women were strong – most just didn't realize the strength their sex gave them. The Coven knew – and took advantage when they could.

“He was just 20! His body was amazing. We did it five times.”

“Mine had tattoos everywhere. Even around his cock. His load was crazy.”

“He wanted me to piss on him!”

“I haven't let a guy jizz in me in forever.”

Standard operating bullshit. All the details of what they'd done and who they'd done it with. It meant nothing. It meant everything.

Rome Girl remembered when she used to be able to forget things. That time is past. Now she remembers everything. This conversation will be running around her brain for years. All the mundane crap.

It was just cocks in pussy and mouth and ass. But it mattered to them, so she played along.

They'd all been with her guy already, so it was easy. No fuss. No muss. They loved that she'd paid for the room and put him in his place. All slapped hands.

Miss Darling hadn't shown up yet. Neither had The Bicycle Lesbian. Gossip about what they had been up to. As if it mattered. As if they really cared. As if there was some meaning inside all of this.

Another drink came. Half of it in one go. Food moving to her mouth. She thinks of the cocks that were inside the women around her. Gagging. Still, she swallows.

Food in her system.

She's ready for another day."