If your therapist says your troubled relationship is no good, but you're at the age you want to have children, and you love the person, and they say they will get therapy for their problems (which they agree are narcissism and a very bad temper)... and you think your therapist, who you trust innately, is projecting a bit (she called him revolting.. then apologised)... what do i do? I love him. He wants a future. The same future. We have our kids' names picked out. He's a beautiful uncle to his sister's three kids. But he can be cruel and irresponsible and definitely has some narcissistic personality disorder stuff. He admits it. For background: he's 41. i'm 38. We both take meds - me for depression, him for ADD/depression. And to complicate ... we seem to have OCD (he's diagnosed, i'm not), but his is full on OCD-hoarding, mine is minor OCD scrub and clean for days and don't sleep when i'm anxious.
Do I say "go to therapy, i'll continue with mine, we review in six/twelve months?" or do i give it up?
First off don't have kids now.
Someone with a tempter now will get much more of a temper when a baby is crying at 2 a.m. for the fourth time that night.
"Cruel and irresponsible" is not great baby daddy material at all.
So, whatever you are thinking about doing - put it in the back of your mind for now.
The second issue I see is your shrink. You say you trust her innately - yet she called him revolting. I see two possible things here:
1. Your shrink is right in calling him revolting and you know it but don't want to accept it.
2. Your shrink is bad for you and you are placing your trust in them selectively which is super bad news.
I suspect #1 is correct, but I'm not there so I don't know.
Thirdly, why is he not in therapy right the fuck now? Like he really needs you to tell him to go? You've already sorta told him to go by bringing it up in the first place.
My GF when I was crazy was like "what about therapy." A week later I was there because I valued the relationship and knew her bringing it up was a warning sign.
Why has he not picked up on this? Is he maybe thinking "If I fuck her enough she'll get pregnant, I'll get to keep her and I won't need to go to therapy ever!"
If that's the case good luck in custody hearings/at the hospital/dealing with CPS in two to three years.
Fourthly, your relationship doesn't sound that great. One crazy person is enough. You don't need to combine two crazies.
What sounds "great" is that he says he wants kids and has picked the kids names out.
That may be blinding you to all the other issues in your relationship.
Again, you know this better than I and with the limited information I have I may be wrong, but you can take or leave it.
Finally... my advice.
Dating and being with a narcissistic asswipe can be great. I'm the last person in the world to say "avoid it."
But having a child with a douchecanoe isn't great at all. It may hurt someone else and will certainly set you up for moral and legal trouble.
So, if he's really your soul mate don't have kids with him. Be your own functional/dysfunctional couple - without kids.
If kids are something you really want you need to either:
1. Find someone else.
2. Wait and see what happens. He may spontaneously go to therapy. In a year or two therapy might have him be a responsible person. Then you can have a kid with him.
But the problem here is you are 38 and the clock is ticking. Having kids with him is something in the far, not near future. Can you wait until you are 41 or 42 and then look at him honestly and if he's not the right one at that point start looking for a new baby daddy?
That's up to you.
Bottom line - three options;
1. Stay with him and don't have kids.
2. Stay with him and hope he changes his mind and you can easily get pregnant in two to three years.
3. Dump the motherfucker.
My opinion is #1 or #3 is the best option.
If he was serious about therapy he'd be there already.