bart_calendar (bart_calendar) wrote,

Things Not To Do In Bed

Ghostwriting a relationshp advice book and having to be serious about it causes my mind to wander to things I'd love to use but just can't. But I want to get them out of my system, so here's my guide to what  not to do in bed.

1. Burp into her vagina while going down on her.

2. Fart while she's riding you and scream "Dutch Oven!"

3. Shout "You've got the holiest of holies" in Sameul L. Jackosn's voice when you cum.

4. Use a pirate voice while talking dirty.

5. When it's over look her in the eye and say "you are so much tighter than your mom."

6. After you start making out, pause, mention you have diarrhea and ask if you can borrow a tampon.

7. Tell her you want doggy style because you ran out of paper bags.

8. Call her "my precious" while you are doing the deed.

9. Slap her ass and ask "Who's your sister now?"

10. Ask her to "rub the lotion on the skin."
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