bart_calendar (bart_calendar) wrote,

Mr. Information - You Can Leave Your Pants On

Q. "I'm asexual and fell in love with a friend. When I was open about my feelings, even though we discussed the possibility of sex, he decided that despite "having feelings" for me, it wouldn't work out. Everyone I've ever talked with about sex and relationships has said that no sex - or the small amount that I would be willing to have - would be an absolute dealbreaker. My own parents have said this. It's messing with my self-esteem and being rejected by someone who cares about me but doesn't want a relationship because of the lack of sex is one of my worst fears. Do you have any advice before I burn all of his shit and then buy him the most adorable and loyal puppy in the world, take it from him, and teach it to bite him and hate him?"


A. My advice is you dodged a bullet. Sex is not the essence of a romantic relationship - it's the icing on the cake. The idea is to end up with someone who likes you for you and not simply because you have genitals they are into.

While great sex is great, the way you feel about the person and how you treat each other is much more important.

It would be one thing if you were totally against having sex and were against him having sex. Asking a sexual to give up sex forever is a step too far. But, you point out that you were willing to negotiate the sex stuff, which means to me that he would have been able to have sex with you - so you were being more than reasonable.

You were willing to compromise, but he wasn't. And, the thing is, you don't want to be with someone who isn't willing to compromise.

Hell, he could have had the most stress-free sex in the world, because since you are not particularly into it he wouldn't have to worry about his performance or having you be disappointed if he shot off too soon/couldn't get it up/whatever.

Beyond that, lots of sexual couples don't have sex that often. Think about the millions of people on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. Many, many of them, have the side effect of completely or partially killing libido, and yet people still manage to maintain healthy relationships.

I know one woman who lives with her boyfriend in a studio apartment. They have a very loving relationship, but because they are both working on mental health issues they don't bang. She's written multiple blog posts about it, and the one message that she's gotten back time and time again is - hey, dry spells happen and work on your emotional shit before you worry about the sex shit. As long as you guys love and support each other and the lack of sex doesn't impact your relationship it's not a big deal.

And, even in the most loving sexual relationships sex sometimes doesn't happen. I know one woman who loves sex, but she and her husband didn't do it for two years because she was busy with raising a family/stress stuff/hormones/just wasn't in the mood. They eventually got back to banging, had a few more kids and are still married.

My general point is that the guy wasn't into you enough because if he was into you enough he would have talked to you about the sex stuff and you two would have found a way to work it out.

As to your friends and family saying that no sex is a total deal breaker - bullshit. At least one percent of the population both male and female are asexual. That means there are millions and millions of asexual boys out there. An even higher percentage have a low libido, and would probably be happy just doing it once or twice a year. And even more dudes, as I said before, are on medication that makes it hard for them to get hard and/or lowers their libido and are worried that they won't ever find a partner because they assume all women want sex.

All of these guys would probably love to date you! And, by the sheer law of averages some of them would probably be cute/smart/someone you would want to date.

So, bottom line. The problem isn't with you. It's with him. And, you'll find someone that likes you for you and is fine either not having sex or in negotiating the amount of sex you'd be willing to have.

All you need to do is find a guy who cares more about an open mind than about open legs and you'll be fine.


If you want relationship advice from a drunk just post an anonymous comment. (It will be screened.) Or, use your burner email account and send the question to
Tags: mr. information
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