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September 16th, 2015

The Seven Types Of Neighbor Sex You Overhear

We've all heard our neighbors fuck and given enough time you can break down what the fuck is going on.

1. The New Boyfriend Fuck.  All the energy is there. The moaning is real, but there are some awkward lapses because neither knows the other's body that perfectly. It goes on all night.

2. The He's Taking Too Long Fuck.  The dude has been banging forever and the woman is shit tired of it and will do anything to get him to get off and stop. You hear the most ridiculous fake orgasms and dirty talk because she's so over it.

3. The Bored With Boyfriend But Don't Want To Break Up With Him Because I'd Have To Move Fuck. Totally fake orgasms and she's been with the guy long enough that he gets off in about two minutes.

4. The Boyfriend Is At Work Fuck. This often happens the afternoon after The Bored With Boyfriend Fuck. The guy she's seeing that he doesn't know about comes over and you hear real orgasms that make it even more clear how fake her orgasms with her boyfriend are.

5. The I Haven't Gotten Any In A Long Time But Now Am And Want Everyone To Know About It Fuck. The orgasms are real but louder than usual. She wants the world to know she got some D.

6. The Boyfriend Doesn't Know I'm Bi Fuck.  This usually happens when there is a big game and he's out at the bar with his friends. She's clearly told him she's just going to hang out with a friend. You hear lots of giggling, then the sounds of two girls making sex noises. Then more giggling. The slightly before the game is over the last third of a chick flick starts playing, clearly designed to be ending when he comes home to provide an excuse for what you and your friend were doing.

7. The He Sucked Fuck. Two minutes or less of sex  noises followed either by her fighting with him or him leaving and the sound of her calling up her friends and bitching about how disappointing it was.

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