August 5th, 2015

True Detective Fixes

One more episode of True Detective to go - and it's going to be a 95 minute one.

Like everyone still watching this thing that has started to make Odysseus' return home seem uncomplicated I'm praying that the last episode saves this thing.

With that in mind here are some developments that could make it seem like this hasn't been the biggest waste of time since I plowed through all of Finnegan's Wake in two days when I was a sophmore only to find out there was not a single question about it on the exam.

1. The female cop turns out to be the one who killed Caspere.

2. It turns out the entire season took place in an autistic kid's snow globe.

3. It is revealed that the four main characters are really Shaggy, Velma, Fred and Daphne. In this scenario obviouisly Vince Vaughn is Daphne who realized she was a transman at some point in the past.

4. The killer ends up being Rust Chole. (Seriously, would that not fucking blow your mind?)

5. Someone realizes that the crazy psychiartist is the dude who wrote "Jessie's Girl."

6.  The guru dude turns out to be a Jedi master who used Jedi mind tricks to get someone to kill Caspere, who was really a hidden Sith Lord.

7. Dude really was killed in Episode Two and this has all taken place in purgatory. Sawyer and Kate turn up to lead him into the light.

8. Donald Trump turns up right as they are about to identify the killer, points at all the lead actors and screams "You're fired!"

9. Coda before the credits explaining that Pizzolatto has sold the show to Disney and next season will be directed by J.J. Abrhams.

10. Xenomorphs.