May 6th, 2015

What A Paranoia Attack Feels Like

I used to get paranoia attacks all the time. Luckily it's been a long time since I had one, but I did get one yesterday. Because I sort of feel like people who have never had them don't know what they are like (and my mind was racing) I took notes of my thoughts and actions during the day.  Hope they make sense and help people understand.

"Woke up. Was like 'yeah I'm over my mental block keeping me from swimming I'm going to swim today' but then I went to Gawker and saw an article about a 47 year old billionaire slipping at the gym and dying."

"Fuck. This is god telling me I should not swim today. I will die. I will die. I will die. No, wait I want to swim. But I don't want to die. The pool is slippery. I don't believe in god, I'm being stupid. But maybe this is a sign. Fuck I'll try to get some work done."

"My fingers keep slipping off the keyboard. Is that a sign? Why does my chest hurt so much am I having a heart attack? What the fuck is going on. Time to take an extra half xanax."

"Ok. I feel a little better. Maybe I should go swim. But, fuck, what if it's dangerous to swim after extra xanax. (proceeds to google "xanax swimming dangers.") Fuck me! Some say it's ok some say it's not. Why does it  not talk about swimming on the fucking warning label.

(Finishes up work)

"Ok. Time to go to the cafe for a beer. But fuck, I told people I'd go swimming today. If they ask me about it and I tell them I didn't they will think I'm a liar and will try to kill me. Maybe I'm fucking meant to die today."

(Leaves apartment an hour and a half later after taking another extra half xanax.)

"These people on the street look weird. Why is that guy walking near me. Does he want to kill me? Rome Girl is away and I don't have ID on me. Nobody will know I'm dead."

(Gets to cafe. Has a beer)

"Nobody is talking to me. I will just read this book and nobody will try to talk to me. Thank fuck. Wait why did someone sit at the next table. WTF??? Keep reading your book and they won't know you are here."

(Repeat this process at two more cafes until I start to feel  numb. Go home. Eat leftovers. Double check the lock on the door. Deep sleep.

Wake up feeling completely normal as if the day before had not happend.