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March 10th, 2015

50 Shades Of Grey - The Movie

Pirated this last night in order to hate watch it. Am disappointed that it's nowhere near as offensive as it's reputation. In fact, it's just a long episode of that show Red Shoe Diaries that  used to run on Cinemax late at night.  Given the reaction to the book I have to assume they changed and toned down a lot of shit for the film.

I fully expected an abusive relationship. What we get isn't that. Instead we get a woman who keeps asking in one way or another "do you love me" and a dude responding in one way or another "no, I want a fuck buddy" and the woman thinking "that means he loves me."

I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL ONCE - I'VE SEEN THAT MOVIE IN REAL LIFE!

I'm told that in the book the motivations of the characters are not clear. In the movie they are clear as a bell. Her motivation is that she wants a good looking billionaire boyfriend who is good in bed. He wants a pretty young woman to fuck with no strings attached. Those motivations may be cliche but strike me as reasonable between an incredibly naive young woman and a rich straight dude in his 20s.

I'm also told that in the book the sex is kinky/BDSM. Not so here. Their first sex scene happens after she tells him she's a virgin. So, he goes down on her before fucking her gently missionary style and pays enough attention to her clit to make sure she orgasms.

After that we get treated to tons of scenes of  him going down on her before missionary sex happens. Christian Grey likes eating pussy more than any character I've ever seen in a mainstream movie.

One time he does her doggy style. Another time he runs a feather duster along her clit.

I'M SITTING HERE THINKING WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BADLY DESCRIBED KINK I'VE BEEN TOLD ABOUT?

Ok, finally, he pulls out a riding crop. I'm thinking "NOW I'M GOING TO GET THE BDSM!"

Nope. He has her hold up one of her hands and then lightly hits it with the crop. Then he goes down on her and they have missionary style sex.  At one point he ties her hands above her head. Is he going to do something kinky? No, he goes down on her.

Ok, I'm thinking, I can't really be that much against a guy who is simply  obsessed with eating pussy and missionary sex, but I've been told he's a stalker so I'll wait for that.

But, no! He asks her if she will tell him if she's going to be out of town and also asks her if it's Ok if he tracks her down if she goes out of town. She consents to that. Then, she goes out of town without telling him.

He, like he asked permission to do, tracks her down. This makes her think he loves her. He thinks "now I'll get to eat her out and have missionary style sex."  Guess what happens.

Eventually even Anna finally starts thinking to herself "This fucker has over $50,000 worth of sex toys in a room that looks like it was designed by Lindsay Lohan on meth, why the fuck does he do nothing but eat me out and then get on top of me?"

So, she asks him to "do his worst."

At that point  he bends her over and spanks her lightly six times with a belt.

Then, she dumps him. I'm assuming this is because she's like "this guy is so fucking full of shit. He's teased me by owning all of these awesome looking sex toys but deep down he's more vanilla than anyone in the world!"

Roll credits.

"Mr. Wayne, The Last Time I Saw You I Had A Gun To Your Head!"

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