July 9th, 2014


A dude has a site dedicated to several stories and an entire erotic novel about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in clingfilm. He's not shy about it either.

"Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site."

He's also interested in making friends.

"If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we can exchange links."

That said, he won't talk to just anyone.

"Apologies, I have ceased answering mail personally because of weirdos."

I can't imagine why weirdos would be contacting him.

Best of all he's seeking out celebrity endorsements

"The one celebrity whose endorsement I despair of obtaining is Queen Elizabeth of England, who I am now tempted to write off as a snooty recluse who has lost touch with her fanbase. When I was in London I thoughtfully left a free box of copies of my Orbison in Clingfilm book outside her palace gates in the hope that she would not only read it herself and pass it on to her loved ones but could hand them out to the other crowned heads of Europe at croquet parties. However it was destroyed in a controlled explosion. We all know the tales of the Emperor being rude to Mozart, King George mocking Gibbon and Abraham Lincoln headbutting Harriet Beecher Stowe but I do not see how royal perfidy towards genius can go any further than this."

God save the Queen!