July 1st, 2014

You Gotta Have Faith

(AP) — Following Monday's controversial Supreme Court ruling in the Hobby Lobby cas, Domenico Cefalù, head of the well known New York based Gambino corporation, announced that his organization and its members have converted to a new religion.

"God came to me in the middle of the night," Cefalù told reporters. "He said that Jesus wants me to help people feel better. God explained that he created cocaine, gambling and prostitution in order to soothe the souls of broken people in this sin filled world."

Cefalù said the deity also told him that it was important for him and his associates to provide protection to local business owners in exchange for donations to their new faith.

"Who am I or the US government to question the word of God," Cefalù continued. "I am just a simple man trying to follow the true faith that has been revealed to my company."