November 20th, 2011

Breaking News

(AP) -- New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has implemented a new law banning members of the Occupy Wall Street movement from wearing masks, after several were arrested in connection with an alleged terrorist plot.

"These people planned to dump a giant genetically engineered squid in the middle of Manhattan," Bloomberg said. "That posed a real hazard to tens of thousands of lives and could have been the worst case of domestic terrorism in history."

According to police sources those arrested - whose names have been withheld - have extensive criminal and psychiatric records.

"One of these guys actually claims to live on Mars," one officer said. "Two others were involved in an elaborate prison break out that led to a riot. Another bragged to us at the station about using a meat cleaver to cut up dogs."

Bloomberg said that local anti-terrorism officers will be working with the FBI to search for the ringleader of the terrorist group.

"We are devoting all of resources to tracking down the organizer of this potentially deadly plot," Bloomberg said. "Unless he is the smartest man in the world, we'll find him."

When asked if he had any comment on the progress of the investigation, New York City Police Commissioner Raymond W. Kelly whispered "no."

Agua

OK. For a while now I've wondered if the reason the EU government can't make rational decisions to help manage the financial crisis is because they are assholes or just plain dumb.

Today, I discovered that it's most likely that they are stupid.

That's because EU officials just completed a three year study and announced that there is no evidence that drinking water can help prevent dyhydration.

"Producers of bottled water are now forbidden by law from making the claim and will face a two-year jail sentence if they defy the edict, which comes into force in the UK next month."

Suddenly, in comparison, Herman Cain seems like a genius.