August 25th, 2011


Libya Advances

(AP) -- GOP primary candidate Khal Drogo yesterday praised the successful invasion of Tripoli and said he expects the rebels to consolidate control of Libya is a matter of days.

"These men have proved they can ride," Drogo said. "Muammar Gaddafi has fallen off his horse and is no longer Khal. It is known."

If he were to win the Republican primary battle and eventually become president, Drogo said that he would throw the nation's full support behind the rebel forces as they work to cement a solid governmental structure.

"The new khalasar deserves many horses in their land across the waters," Drogo said.

Drogo's primary opponent in the GOP field, Tywin Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport and Warden of the West said he felt Drogo's plan did not go far enough.

"They need more than horses," Lannister said. "It is steel that puts food in the mouths of the hungry."

Lannister said that in addition to horses he would provide swords, shields, battle axes and a battalion of Stone Crows to act as "military advisers."

"Of course, I would also be happy to provide them short and long term loans, either from my family or, with the approval of congress, from the national treasury," Lannister said.

Upstart candidate Rick Perry lashed out at both proposals.

"It would impossible for us to get our current deficits under control if we were to provide horses, weapons or personnel to help prop up a regime that should be able to stand on its own," Perry said. "Before we become involved in future foreign military maneuvers we need to cut domestic spending and balance our budget."

Perry said he felt that the foreign aid money Drogo and Lannister wish to spend in Libya would be better used propping up the wall that protects America from the unknown hordes to the south.

"Every day people from Mexico who are willing to work like zombies are slipping through the wall and taking jobs away from regular Americans," Perry said. "As it stands now the wall is run on a patronage system that has proven grossly ineffective. We need to fix that as quickly as possible."

The wall has become a political hot topic. The INS appointed administrator of the wall is Lannister's grandfather and his assistant is the illegitimate son of President Obama. Most of the men who guard the wall itself are registered sex offenders working off court appointed community service.

"We not only need new administration for the wall, we need to bolster the work force there in the most cost effective manner," Perry said.

His proposal would increase the number of guards at the wall by sentencing not only sex offenders, but all forms of convicted felons including drug users, illegal immigrants, socialists and other political undesirables to service there.

"The Stone Crows would be better used supervising the convict labor at the wall than they would advising a regime far from our shores," Perry said.

Lannister responded by calling Perry a "traitor" who once threatened to order his bannermen to pull out of the seven kingdoms.

Drogo made an ambiguous statement saying, "If Mr Perry wants a golden crown I'd be happy to meet with him and give him one."

The Khal refused to elaborate.

The GOP Hates Goat Herders

The Obama administration has created rules saying that goat herders should have clean beds to sleep in, ventilation in their cooking areas and access to light sources.

This pisses off the GOP so much that it's made it as far as The Drudge Report.

How the fuck is Obama going to defend himself against accusations of being soft on goat herders?

That said, this could cost the GOP the crucial goat herder voting block.


The Least Blind Item In History

Seriously - just check this out and ask yourself why it's blind.

Fuck, I'm surprised they didn't post this item on Independence Day!

Here's the full text for linkaphobes - which has too many hints to possibly count:

[BlindGossip] We know you’re hearing conflicting reports about a certain celebrity couple. So, you want to know what’s really going on? Of course you do! Here you go:

1. Saying that their marriage is “intact” is simply a fresh way of saying that they are not yet divorced. Therefore, it is a true statement.

2. Celebrities want to be in control of the timing of announcements about their personal lives. They get really irritated when information leaks out prematurely. This couple is no exception. The info was leaked and they are furious. Expect them and their publicist/s to continue to deny any rumors to maintain a modicum of control until all the pieces are in place for the divorce.

3. Whenever a couple insists on excessive PDA and statements about how manly/ womanly/ sexually active they are, you should immediately suspect that at least one of them is bearding for the other. In this case, it’s a double bearding.

4. There are two publicists involved, not just one, and they are not playing well together. One contributing factor is a recent agent/agency shuffle.

5. Although the couple hasn’t really spent any time together in the past month or so, the one thing on which all publicists can agree is… photo ops! So you should expect several staged photo ops in the near future of the “intact” family. There will be lots of big, fake smiles and boisterous, fake laughter and playful, fake cuddling. They’re actors, people. All of them. Actors know how to fake happyness.

5. Leaking information that a woman is having a secret affair with her costar is a very creative way of trying to convince people that your client is heterosexual. She is not.

7. Don’t expect anyone to come out of the closet on this one as a result of the divorce. Their livelihoods depend on them being perceived as stereotypes of an A-list masculine action hero and a sexy and devoted mom.

8. Threats of lawsuits are mere blustering and are meant to discourage the media from printing additional stories. The truth is that this couple would never actually expose themselves to discovery (e.g. interrogatories, depositions, requests to produce documents).

9. They’re done.

10. Yes, we’re sure. We have only one degree of separation from this couple.