August 7th, 2011


One of my long term clients approached me today for advice.

For years he was a teacher. Then he stopped being a teacher and for more than a decade has been traveling the world and making his living developing very profitable adult websites.

Now, he feels inspired to go back into teaching - but is worried that a more than decade long blank on his resume would hurt him and that saying exactly what he was doing would hurt him even more.

He asked me for advice on what he should say he's been doing to support himself this millennium. My first thought was for him to just claim he was running an ecommerce company - but if they Google the name of the company the adult sites may pop up.

Anyone else have any clever ideas of how to smooth over his employment gap?

Logic Fail

A bunch of moms this weekend decided that they wanted to have a nationwide breast feeding event to break the world record for the most amount of moms breastfeeding at one time.

Umm... they do realize that before bottles and formula were invented (a recent development in human history) that all moms breast fed - which means this record was consistently broken for 100s of thousands of years, right?

So... it couldn't possibly be that this is just an example of a bunch of self-absorbed middle class moms seeking a bunch of attention for themselves, right?

Plus... Jesus H. Christ they are announcing where they will be doing the public breast feedings. Do they have any clue how many lactation fetish dudes would want to head to those public parks and jerk off in their pants as soon as they whip their boobs out?

Drugs Are Bad

The story about the meth guy fucking his cat reminded me of a subject I tend to bring up here every couple of years.

There are a lot of anti-drug messages out there - but most of them come either from people who never used drugs or have addictive personalities to the point where if common drugs didn't exist they'd end up addicted and homeless due to orange juice addictions.

So, I feel like there should be advice out there from someone who isn't a moralist, did do drugs, didn't have major problems with them but also figured out that it's best to just stick to booze and cigs.

Here's why you probably want to avoid most common drugs:

Pot/Hash: Being lazy and eating lots of pizza is no way to live a life. Plus, it will make you think really dumb shit is funny. Do you want to contribute to Adam Sandler becoming rich and famous?

Cocaine: First it will help you become less shy. And, you'll get laid more. And, you'll be able to stay up later and stay skinny more easily. It seems awesome. But, really, you'll quickly become an egomanic asshole, spend most of your savings, lost empathy for people around you and shit all the fucking time. Eventually, if you are female you'll end up having sex with guys you don't really like just because they have coke. If you are a guy you'll end up fucking girls who hate you just because you have coke.

Meth: Is it really worth becoming a toothless psychopath just to be wide awake during the late shift at your Wal-Mart job?

LSD: Fun for about two hours - but you'll end up tripping for like 12 hours and you'll be really fucking tired of it long before it's over.

Ecstasy: This drug will give you the shittiest taste in music ever, make you want to walk around with a fucking pacifier in your mouth so you don't grind your teeth and make you act like a wall hugging hippy. Plus, you'll become friends with a lot of douchebags.

Shrooms: Go to your favorite bit torrent site right now. Download any random Phish album. Ask yourself if six months from now you want to actually enjoy that type of music.

Heroin: The problem isn't that it will kill you - it's that it will take decades to kill you and during those decades you'll become the shittiest person known to mankind.