August 2nd, 2011

Debt Ceiling Winners And Losers

Obama:

Finally proved he has no balls whatsoever. Bill Clinton told him weeks ago to just lift the debt ceiling by executive order and claim the Constitution required it. Sure, the GOP might have been tempted to impeach him over it, but with a Democratic controlled Senate it would have been the quickest "not guilty" verdict in trial history. Hell, if he'd just threatened to do it he would have gotten a lot more of what he wanted. I fully expect Michele Bachmann to corner him by his locker and demand his lunch money soon.

Boehner:

Completely fucked. A huge amount of his own party now hates him because he was willing to compromise with Obama and raise taxes at one point. He's also proved that he cannot do his job as Speaker of the House because he's too terrified of the Tea Party freshman congressmen. This is like the star quarterback for the varsity football team being scared of the Chess Club. Even the ugliest JV cheerleader wouldn't go to the prom with him at this point.

Romney:

Completely and totally fucked. The Tea Party people now know that Republican leadership is scared of them and that they can demand anything they want - which means they'll rally enough people in the primaries to either get one of their people on the ticket or force a delegate battle at the convention - both of which means Middle Of Road Sane Romney has just seen his presidential ambitions go up in smoke.

The American People:

In 2012 they'll get to choose between President Oballess and a Random White Female Ayn Rand Acolyte. One will not be able to govern because he'll be blackmailed (pun intended) by Congress. The other will not be able to govern because they don't believe in the concept of government. The average American voter will feel like a vegan who has had her date take her to a steak house and asked what she wants on the menu.

The Unemployed:

Start making shit to sell on Etsy because that's the only way you are going to get any money in your pocket anytime soon.

People Addicted To Prostitutes:

The real winners here - because unemployed people are going to flock to sex work in massive numbers lowering the prices for blow jobs, anal sex and bukake targets across the board.

People In Prison:

They win too because we won't be able to afford to incarcerate most of them and a ton of people will get early release. Lohan must be dancing in the streets.

Bass Players In Indie Bands:

Another group of winners because sitting on the couch talking about how one day you'll make money will become the American norm instead of an aberration of dudes who just want their girlfriends/parents to pay the rent while they play Xbox all day.

Children:

Their parents just sold them down the river. You want to buy a new pair of jeans but have already gone through your allowance? Just take the money out of your dad's wallet while he's sleeping, guilt free, because he and other people of his generation are stealing a lot more money from you down the line.

Universal Music Group:

Winners because they now will pay less taxes on the new Amy Winehouse album they plan to release next month.