July 22nd, 2011

Stop! Showertime!

One thing I've noticed in life is that while we all do the same basic shit to make ourselves clean in the morning, we also all have our own unique routines.

I was thinking of this this morning, when I accidentally turned the sink tap to hot instead of cold before brushing my teeth. Now, I could have simply used the hot water to shave, but I always brush my teeth before I shave, so I turned it back to cold.

This made me wonder if other people have the same types of routines. And, so, a poll is born.

Poll #1763820 Bathroom Poll

Dudes, do you shave first or brush your teeth first?


Ladies, do you brush your teeth before or after your shower?



"So," I said to my shrink this morning, "I had this bad nightmare last week and you were in it."

"Tell me about it," she said.

"Well," I said. "I was on a train and you were there too and about five other people and you were giving us group therapy on the train. You asked us each to tell us about our scariest childhood memory. I told you that when I was about seven I had a dream that still scares me to this day. As I started to tell you about the dream I started being in the dream again and seeing it happen.

In the dream I had an older brother named Jimmy who I worshiped. I was about seven and he was about 15. Anyway, one day he came up and told me he had to show me something. So, he took me to his car which was some sort of 1970s souped up Starsky and Hutch sort of thing. And, we drove out to the beach where there was this Victorian style home at the end of a long pier.

We went inside the home and it was covered in cobwebs and clearly hadn't been lived in in years, yet it was also clear that Jimmy couldn't see the cobwebs and thought the house was clean and lived in. Anyway, we finally got to this huge ballroom with chandeliers and stuff and this girl came out and Jimmy told me she was his girlfriend. She was blond and wearing what I guess would be called a white sheath. One of those white cotton type things that women wore to bed like 100 years ago. I don't know the right clothing term for it.

The thing is she was soaking wet and smelled putrid and when I looked closely part of her was rotting and I don't know how, but somehow I knew that she was dead and had drowned. Jimmy then told me she was his beautiful new girlfriend that he wanted me to meet.

I tried to tell Jimmy that there was something wrong with this girl but he then told me that he liked fucking her and I should fuck her too. He then started kissing her and I could see her from behind and realized her long hair was actually a collection of very skinny snakes.

I ran out of the room, but then turned back a couple of minutes later. The bottom part of her night dress was on fire and part of me thought Jimmy had set it on fire because he realized what she was but a larger part of me thought that she had set it on fire to trap Jimmy. I tried to warn Jimmy but he was fucking her standing up and not paying any attention to me at all.

The fire started spreading through the house and I struggled to get out through the smoke. Eventually I found the front door and collapsed on pier outside. Everything went black for a while and then I came to in a hospital bed with doctors telling me my brother had burned to death and asking me if I knew how it happened.

At that point I was done with my story and back on the train," I said to my shrink. "And you said to me 'What makes you so sure you aren't dead now?' That's when I woke up."

"That's a great dream," my shrink said to me in real life this morning.

"It didn't seem all that great at the time,' I said.

"I'm sure it didn't," she replied.