June 22nd, 2011

Gross

Man, the history of how the Fleshlight was invented is creepy.

The deal is that the guy's wife was told to abstain from sex for a while after she got pregnant. So, the dude and his son decided to work together to find a way for him to masturbate in a way that would simulate her vagina until he could fuck her again.

Really.

"The Shubins “would sit around the table and talk about how we thought it should look,” Shubin remembers. “We were a pretty open family.”

WTF???

Was he like "Son, do you think this would feel more like your stepmom's vagina? Or should we tighten it up a bit?"

Rome Girl Making Fun Of Me

An entire blog entry of her making fun of me - yet it made me laugh.

EDIT: Rome Girl just pointed out to me that that blog is friend's only and she only has about two people on her friend's list. So, she gave me permission to copy and paste the entry here. This is her writing not mine (she calls me "Cal" on this blog for some reason.)

The level of my indignation in this conversation is still making me laugh days later.

Cal: Wow, a 22-year-old Irish kid won the U.S. Open.

Me: No way, what’s his name?

Cal: I… don’t know. I don’t think there are enough vowels in his name.

Me: (looks over his shoulder at the screen) It’s McIlroy. What’s the problem?

Cal: What kind of an Irish name doesn’t have any vowels in it?

Me: What are you talking about? It’s m-c-i-l-r-o-y.

Cal: It’s two l’s, not an i and an l.

Me: No, it looks like that because it’s a sans serif font. If you put it in a serif font, you’d see that it’s an i.

Cal: (stares at his screen from an inch away)

Me: You’re not going to see it like that, you have to go to a website that has a serif font or copy and paste it into Word and change it to like Times New Roman.

Cal: (pastes name into Google) It’s two l’s!

Me: No, that’s a sans serif font. Stick it into Word.

Cal: (pastes name into an existing Word doc in Arial and looks at me)

Me: ARIAL IS A SANS SERIF FONT. (I lean over him and change it to Times New Roman.) See?

Cal: What?

Me: (Makes the word 48-point) It’s an i! See the bars on the top and bottom?

Cal: There’s bars on the other letter too!

Me: (Makes the word 72-point, looks at Cal)

Cal: (Looks at me with a pained expression)

Me: CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THE I HAS TWO BARS, AND ON THE L THE BAR STOPS HALFWAY ACROSS THE TOP OF THE LETTER?

Cal: If you say so. What are you talking about?

Me: HOW WERE YOU A JOURNALIST FOR TEN YEARS AND NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SERIF AND SANS SERIF FONT?

Cal: I WAS A JOURNALIST, NOT THE FUCKING TYPESETTER!

Me: HOW ARE YOU 42 YEARS OLD AND A WRITER AND HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SERIF AND SANS SERIF FONTS?

Cal: WHY WOULD I HAVE EVER HEARD OF THAT?

Me: I don’t even know who you are.

Kiwis

A New Zealand restaurant has started selling "apple infused horse semen" as a beverage.

Interestingly, the chef says most of the people ordering it are women.

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