June 18th, 2011

Kiss, Fuck, Kill/ Marry. Fuck, Kill

You know the rules - for each round pick one to kiss, one to fuck and one to kill. Since we learned last time that many of you don't like kissing you can change it to marry, fuck, kill if you like.

Round One:

Tom Cruise
John Travolta
Kevin Spacey

Round Two:

Sam Ronson
Portia de Rossi
Ellen DeGeneres

Round Three:

Kim Kardashian
Sasha Grey
Coco

Round Four

Ice T
Ice Cube
Vanilla Ice

Round Five

Harry Potter
Draco Malfoy
Ron Weasley

Round Six

Hermione Granger
Ginny Weasley
Fleur Delacour

Port Mortuary By Patrica Cornwell

Once upon a time there was a bipolar lesbian writer who wrote some of the greatest pulp fiction crime novels of her time. Books like Postmortem and The Body Farm.

But, somewhere along the way things went wrong. Was she cursed by a goblin? Has she had a lobotomy? I'm not sure.

All I know is that the last five or six books in the Kay Scarpetta series have descended into an ocean of awfulness and mediocrity.

Port Mortuary, the most recent, is no exception. While slightly better than the previous book (which was about Kay losing her cell phone) and at least a notch better than The Book Of The Dead (in which she actually repeated entire paragraphs accidentally several times in the book and entire pages were copy and pasted from previous books) it still smells like a hotel room the morning after the prom party from hell.

There are several interesting characters in the Scarpetta series - Lucy and Pete Marino being, by far, the most interesting. Of course, they get to be in roughly nine pages of this tome.

There is one character who has always been a boring asshole - Benton Wesley. Of course, there are dozens and dozens of pages involving this douchebag. Did Cornwell not realize why sales of this series soared when Benton was "killed off" eight books ago. Why the fuck did the ever resurrect a character her readers justifiably despise?

What really sinks the book though is that Kay doesn't fucking do anything. The book starts off well with a guy who was killed in a way that seems impossible.

This sets us up to think that we are going to follow Kay while she figures out how and why he was killed. That's not what happens.

Instead Pete, Benton and Lucy head out to solve the crime - but because this is told from Kay's point of view we don't see or know what they are doing. Instead we get over a hundred pages of Kay worrying about her relationship with Benton.

Then, Benton shows up toward the end and tells Kay they've figured out who killed the dude and why. Kay listens and then says "No! Your evidence really means this!"

They go "Doh! How could we ever solve crimes without you."

The suck is strong with this one.

NOTE: The publisher must know the last few books have sucked because this is the first book I've ever seen that comes with a Money Back Guarantee sticker on the front. I'm not actually enough of a dick to force the small independent book store to give me my money back. I just find it interesting that they felt the need to say "If you don't like this book you can get your money back."