February 10th, 2011

Boozehounds

"The reason," my shrink said this morning, "that the other male members of your family drink and get into legal trouble or personal danger and you don't has nothing to do with how much you or they drink. It has everything to do with you having an instinct to seek safety and drink for the right reasons and them not having your survival instincts. That's why you are in France living the life you are living and why they are in America living the lives they think they are supposed to be living."

Mister Information

Since Valentine's Day is around the corner and the real Miss Information is retired from that gig I figured I'd step in with some timely holiday advice.

Dear Mister Information,

I've only been dating my boyfriend for about three weeks and Valentine's Day is coming up. Eek! What is an appropriate Valentine's Day gift when we have only been going out such a short time?

Confused Undergrad North Texas

Dear Confused Undergrad North Texas,

A blow job.

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Dear Mister Information,

Last month I did a stupid thing and cheated on my husband. It was dumb and I feel really bad about it. My husband hasn't left me but he's been very cold and distant ever since. Now Valentine's Day is coming up. I want to give him something he'll really appreciate so we can start working on our marriage. What should I give him?

Shamed Lonely Unhappy Texan

Dear Shamed Lonely Unhappy Texan,

Anal sex, followed by a blow job. No clean up in between.

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Dear Mister Information,

My girlfriend tells me I've become really selfish lately. I try not to be but work has been a real hassle and she seems unhappy all the time so I end up just sitting in front of the TV every night playing Halo 3. Now Valentine's Day is around the corner and I want to find some way to make her feel special and happy again. What can I do to show her I care?

Darling I Care Kansas

Dear Darline I Care Kansas,

Eat her out for an hour and keep your pants on and your hands off your dick while you do it. Don't ask for jack shit in return.

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Dear Mister Information,

I was really hoping that my boyfriend would propose this Valentine's Day, but I found out from a friend that he's just wants to give me a pearl necklace instead. What can I do to make sure he does propose next Valentine's Day?

Cathy Upper Manhattan

Dear Cathy Upper Manhattan,

On Dec. 15th, 2011 stop taking your birth control pills.

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Dear Mister Information,

I really want to make Valentine's Day special for my girlfriend, but I have a problem. I just started taking Paxil and it's killed my sex drive and abilities. I've tried to hide it by pretending I just want to go down on her and make her feel special. But I'm worried that on Valentine's Day she'll want the full monty. What can I give her to make up for my dick not cooperating?

Luis In Metro Philadelphia

Dear Luis In Metro Philadelphia,

A night with your most attractive best friend.