January 24th, 2011

Deep Thoughts

Every day I look at my print of The Garden Of Earthly Delights and try to figure out which of the panels is the garden.

The easy answer is the first panel. I know that's wrong.

Most of the time, I think it's the second panel.

But, part of me always thinks he meant it to be the third panel.

And, that part of me scares the shit out of me.

Ping Pong

"I realized something important last night," I told my shrink this morning.

"What's that," she asked.

"Well, I was talking to my friends about ping pong," I said. "Because we got into a conversation about unusual skills people wouldn't expect you to have. And, while in general I have no eye hand coordination at all, I fucking kick ass at ping pong and have never in my life lost more than one game to anyone."

"And," she queried.

"Afterward it made me realize that while I've always thought my wife leaving me caused my nervous break down, I was wrong. It triggered it, that's not the same as causing it," I said. "What caused it was that my life up to that point was playing emotional ping pong with my stepmom instead of living my own life. And, now it was time for the game to stop."

"You are correct," she said. "But, you need to elaborate. You have to get it out."

"Well, I kept going back and forth between wanting to please her and wanting to piss her off," I said. "I went to Bard because I knew she'd be impressed that I got into a good school, then I majored in Post Modern Literary Theory which I knew would piss her off. When she got on my case for never having a serious girlfriend, I got one, but I got the real life equivalent of Meadow Soprano, which was bound to piss her off. I went into her profession - journalism - but became an expert at covering murder trials and rock stars, the stuff that she felt was just shit used to sell papers and not as important and even respectable like the "Impact Journalism" stories she did. Then, I married her best friends daughter, which made her happy, but then I moved that woman to France, again guaranteed to piss her off."

"So, what happened when your wife left," she said.

"My subconscious just said 'enough. It's time to be you" so it broke down everything I had been before that and ripped me apart and forced me to start rebuilding from scratch. It made me crazy because I had to start learning who I was and didn't have the skills yet. I had to learn them from scratch. The breakdown had to happen for me to become me."

"Answer me one question," she said.

"Ok," I said.

"What does she think about The Beatles," she asked.

"Loves them," I said. "Plays them all the time but won't let my dad and I play the Stones because she thinks they are sexist."

"Now," she said. "That should give you something to think about."