January 18th, 2011

Mother's Little Helper

Every day around 6:30 p.m. I start to get mild anxiety related chest pains and a really sore back all at the same time. Then my mind gets filled with anxiety and I get convinced I'm having a heart attack and I just kind of have to push through it.

I know why it happens and my doctor warned me it might happen.

You see, I take my Xanax twice a day. Once when I wake up and a second time at 7 p.m. when I go to the bar for an after work drink.

Within 15 minutes and one beer after I take my Xanax the pains and anxiety completely go away. I've learned this over time and am smart enough to know that a Xanax and a beer don't stop a heart attack.

This means I know what's happening. My body is trying to trick me into taking my Xanax sooner. It does that because Xanax is addictive and the body craves it. So, it figures that by giving you some pain you'll be tempted to take it sooner.

At the moment that's fine. Since I know what's going on I just ignore the pain and the paranoid thoughts.

But, what if my body figures this out. What if it starts giving me these pains around 6 p.m. I could probably deal with that. If I can deal with 45 minutes of annoying pain and paranoia, I can deal with an hour and 15 minutes.

What I worry about is what if my body starts giving me these pains at 5 p.m. or at 4 p.m. How much am I willing to put up with? If I eventually start taking it earlier will it then try to trick me into taking a third later at night? Isn't that the endgame my body is going for?

I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see. My regular doctor and my shrink think it would be a bad idea for me to stop the Xanax and Rome Girl has said point black that she'd leave me if I stopped taking it. (And I can't blame her, I'm awful unmedicated.)

God, I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to have to see a shrink twice a week and be dependent on medication.

Yet, that's who I am, and part of my therapy is learning to accept that.