January 13th, 2011

How To Decode A Gay Blind Item

A couple of people were surprised I was able to "get" the Kevin Spacey blind item yesterday.

But, it's actually always simple to decode a gay Hollywood blind item. Here are the rules:

1. All Hollywood gay blind items are about either Spacey, Cruise, Travolta, Will Smith or Sparkleboy.

2. Only one of them has gotten an Oscar. Any item that mentions getting an Oscar is about Spacey.

3. Any blind item that mentions that the dude's wife is into girls either as bisexual or lesbian is about Will Smith.

4. If they talk about an Oscar nominee it's about Travolta.

5. Any reference to flying, planes, action, missions or heroes signals Cruise.

6. If it talks about the actor's girlfriend it's Sparkleboy. Also any use of the words "shiny" or "eternal" or "early evening" it's also Sparkleboy.

7. If it references the actor wanting to come out, but being somehow manipulated through his wife to stay in the closet or in the marriage it's Travolta.

8. If it mentions the guy hooking up at public places it's Travolta.

9. If it mentions a second house or the dude using a second name for hook ups it's Cruise.

10. If it mentions a contract in any way shape or form it's Cruise.

11. Any use of the word "bear" in the blind item signals Travolta.

12. If it references that the dude likes younger guys or male escorts it's Spacey.

13. Additionally any word that implies theater work, like "thespian" signals Spacey.

14. Use of the words "heart throb" or "young fans" means Sparkleboy

15. Additionally any reference to Harry Potter, witchcraft or magic also means Sparkleboy.

16. Anything that references accidental pregnancy or IVF pregnancy is Travolta.

17. Anything that suggests the actor's kids were not fathered by his penis is a Cruise reference.

There you go!

Blind Item Fun

Since I've got blind gossip items on the brain, let's play a game.

I want to see who can come up with the most obvious blind item possible based on real life events.

I'll start out with a few, then let's see what you can do.

"What A List television actor probably had to call his father or the president for help when he got caught during a drunken rampage with a hooker locked in the closet of his hotel room - while his ex wife and children were sleeping next door?"

"Which former Hollywood actor turned television star was spotted nearly passed out in a gay bar? Boy, he claims he was just lost, but now his handlers are worried they are going to have to put him under 24 hour surveillance."

"This former teen star who's had some legal troubles isn't really a mean girl, but people are getting worried that she might be stalking her ex. It seems she's just moved in right next door. She blames her father, but some people think she might be addicted to love."

"Meanwhile one starlet may have to move to Montana to escape this scandal. It seems someone has been passing around a video of her getting high. Her father is so upset he claims it broke his heart."

Your turn.

What's Your Sign

It turns out astrologers had the Zodiac all wrong all these years. So, now they've adjusted the dates.

This means that I'm no longer a fucking Aquarius. Instead I'm a fucking Capricorn. I guess that means my entire planet is going to be blown up by cylons.

Fuck. My. Life.

Anyway, here's the new Zodiac. (And, no, I know nothing about the new sign they've added.)

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.