June 1st, 2010

Dear President Obama

Look, I'd really like you to not hand the fucking mid-term elections to the GOP on a silver platter - but, at the moment that's what you are doing.

You can't afford to act distant and smart about this Gulf oil spill thing. Yes, I understand there is nothing you can practically do to stop it - that's up to engineers and shit. But, you don't have to let it crush you politically.

1. First off, you need to let the American people see that this shit has pissed you off. That's important. It matters.

2. Secondly, this is a spill caused by a British company operating under regulations put in by the Bush administration. You should be able to fucking crush the GOP and stir up a lot of patriotism with that fact. Start hammering it the fuck home.

3. You need Bill Clinton working for you. Nobody cares anymore where he sticks his dick. And, he's fucking great at making people think he gives a shit. Give him some sort of job where whenever something shitty happens he can come out and be the voice of your administration. And, where you have to listen to him. Because, let me tell you if this spill had happened on his watch, he would have been right out front of it making the American people know that he understood that it mattered.



Proof That Women Are Insane

This has got to be a new low in taking advantage of women with self-esteem issues.

It's a special detergent for lingerie that infuses your panties with pheromones to turn your guy on.

Look, ladies, if a guy has gotten far enough where he can actually smell your panties, you don't need the extra pheromones.

Trust me on this one.