May 21st, 2010

Dear Miss Lohan

I see that mean judge has issued a warrant for your arrest. That's so sad. I'm also sorry your passport got stolen, but every cloud has a silver lining. You are in the South of France and the weather has just gotten to be really nice. And, you have a new girlfriend! You go girl.

Plus, the Euro is tanking so everything is suddenly much cheaper here than it used to be. The July sales are just around the corner! You could have a fun shopping spree!

So, why go back to L.A? They are not very nice to you there. The paparazzi stalk you. Your dad shows up and bothers you and you really need some distance from your ex.

France is nice - and since Lady Di's death has some pretty strong anti-paparazzi laws. The country also has really interesting film makers and is much more tolerant of homosexuality than the U.S. Heck, you could marry your girlfriend here if you wanted to!

And, don't worry about the mean French cops sending you back to America to go to jail. France won't extradite child rapists, so I think you are safe with a simple parole violation.

Beyond that cocaine is much cheaper here than in the United States and the drug laws are much more lax. Hell, simply owning a dog can help you stay out of trouble for being on drugs here.

I'd like to invite you to visit my town, Montpellier. It's a fairly short train ride from where you are and there is a huge lesbian community. I'd be happy to take you to the local gay bar and introduce you to some really fun girls!

Anyway, I know you live a busy life, but I'm at the Vert Anglais - right behind Virgin Records - every night around 7 p.m. Stop by some time when you get a chance.

The first drink or gram - your choice - is on me.

Love,

Bart

Deep Thoughts

Do you think pervy gay men ever get sad that, outside of Scotland, there will never really be any celebrity upskirt photos for their market?