April 21st, 2010

24

So, wait... it's after you get canceled that you suddenly get awesome again?

Fuck. The last two episodes might be the best in the history of the show.

It's almost like at the beginning of the season that they believed bloggers and fellow travelers when they were like "Oh we wish Jack was a nice guy and not a psychopath. The show would be much more acceptable/popular then."

Gag me.

24 is only fun when Jack is an out of control homicidal torturing mad man.

And, now he is again.

Rock on.

I Want To Go Back To San Juan - I Know A Boat You Can Get On

The U.S. government has decided to invalidate all Puerto Rican birth certificates.

You'll have to reapply to prove you exist and aren't some other form of Latino.

The real question here is where the fuck they would deport you to if they decide you aren't Puerto Rican.

Hawaii to get a new fake birth certificate?

Kenya?

The U.S. Senate?

The Lincoln Bedroom?

The mind boggles - but I sure as hell hope Glenn "Emilio" Beck has a Puerto Rican birth certificate.

Rant

Things that annoy me:

1. Anyone over 21 who makes a reference to "4/20", "4:20" or any variation thereof.

2. Flavored beers. I like my chocolate semi-sweet, I like my coffee black. Try to put them in my beer and I'll shoot you in the back.

3. Anytime any does that 1. Insert stupid thing. 2. Insert stupid thing. 3. "Profit."

4. The dochebags at ABC who will run Victoria's Secret lingerie ads, but won' run Layne Bryant lingerie ads, because apparently women with real bodies are obscene but anorexics are not.

5. All the fucking lies Obi-Wan told Luke. Liar, liar pants on fire.

6. Children in bars.

7. People who tell smokers that smoking is bad for you.

8. The endings to The Dark Tower, Harry Potter and Battlestar Galactica.

9. Blind gossip items about "which Hollywood star is gay." Yawn.

10. People who protest instead of obey.

Drugs

You know, if the government really wanted to stop people from doing drugs instead of doing "drugs are bad for you", "drugs will kill you" and similar ads they should just say "Drugs will make you both boring and annoying at the same time and lower your chances of getting laid."

Seriously. Think about it.

1. Pot. You ain't getting laid because you'd rather sit in front of the TV eating pizza and wonder if that coyote is ever going to catch that fucking road runner. What a fascinating life.

2. Cocaine. You'll only get laid with girls who are fucking you because you have cocaine. At first this will seem cool because you'll get girls whose looks would otherwise make them out of your league. Eventually, however, these will become the only girls who ever fuck you, because every other girl on the planet will think you are an annoying douchebag. And these girls are highly likely to steal from you, give you diseases and/or drop you like a stone the second you are don't have blow on you.

3. Hallucinogenics. The only person who cares that you are seeing the world open up before your eyes and realizing how everything is connected in the universal oneness is you and when the walls are melting you simply don't have the coordination to fuck.

4. Ecstasy. Sure, you'll want to fuck - but humping your bar stool, attempting to screw the flashing lights and/or realizing just how sexy wood is, doesn't really count as sex. Plus, you'll develop the worst taste in music in the world.

5. Meth. Nobody fucks toothless burglars.