March 22nd, 2010

Ok

So, health care passed.

When do the government agents come out and start taking our freedom?

I can not wait to see it on CNN. Fuck it, I'm in France so they won't come for me. I want to see black helicopters following people around, guys in jack boots stealing the guns from hunters and people trying to protect their homes and new giant satellites that will track everything people think and say in America.

My favorite part of the new health care bill is the provision that makes every American give up their television remote and actually have to get off the couch to change the channel. I'm a little torn about the section that requires every white teenage girl to have unprotected sex with a black man at least once before she can graduate from high school. I see the obvious benefits, but am worried the black men will get tired.

Also, the Sharia law provision is a little touchy. Being able to say "I divorce you" three times is obviously convenient and good for mental health, but stoning women takes a lot of effort.

That said, the Pelosi Amendment requiring that every first pregnancy end in a free "trial abortion" is awesome as is the Frank Amendment insisting that every American go though at least one gay marriage before qualifying for Social Security.

Health Care Poll

Poll #1541428 Health Care Reform

What's Your Favorite Part Of The Health Care Reform Bill?

Free Trial Abortions
10(13.7%)
Mandatory Gay Marriage
8(11.0%)
The Sexy Feeling Of Losing Your Freedom
1(1.4%)
Obeying The Black Man
5(6.8%)
The New $5 Co-Pay On Six Packs Of Coca Cola
3(4.1%)
Watching Federal Agents Prying The Gun From Your Neighbor's Cold Dead Hands
3(4.1%)
Sharia Law
1(1.4%)
Anal Sex Lessons In The High Schools
23(31.5%)
Letting The Feds Kill Grandma
3(4.1%)
Free Federal Wiretaps On All Phones!
0(0.0%)
The Chips They Will Now Plant In Your Brain
2(2.7%)
The Public Execution Of John Gault
5(6.8%)
White Men Finally Being Enslaved
3(4.1%)
Giving Our Daughters To Black Men
3(4.1%)
The Cute Uniforms Of The New American Gestapo
3(4.1%)

Deep Thoughts

The way the Tea Party people are acting like maniacs today makes me wonder if nobody in the GOP bothered to tell them they were straw men who were set up to lose.