February 25th, 2010

He'd Get My Vote

If the Tea Party ever runs Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey as one of their candidates, he'd get my vote.

He's running for governor of Minnesota right now and his campaign slogan is "I WILL IMPALE THEM."

Jonathon also describes himself as a "vampyre."

Oh, and after talking his underage girlfriend into crossing state lines to meet him, he then proposed to her on YouTube. They then went missing for a while until Child Protective Services engendered a sting on vampire message boards to find her.

He's not facing any statutory rape charges because they both swear they didn't have sex and she says: "I bit him first. Let me live my life."

It goes without saying that he's from my home state of New Jersey.

Also, his MySpace page says he's really into Frank Sinatra.


Dear President Obama

You know what - stop trying to get the Republicans on board with this health care bill.

I know that in an ideal world you'd like bipartisan support, but you aren't going to get it. You are dealing with a bunch of bullies and bullies perceive attempts at compromise as weakness. They only respect other bullies.

So, here's what you have to do. A reconciliation bill can pass with only 51 votes in the Senate and can't be filibustered so just fucking do it. And, instead of dealing with the Republicans make sure Democratic lawmakers know there will be hell to pay if they don't get the votes in both houses.

Remind them that you have the power of line item veto - which means you can with the stroke of a pen cut off all their pet projects and completely fuck their districts.

EDIT: It's been correctly pointed out to me that the U.S. Supreme Court stuck down the line item veto in 1998. My bad. So my new advice is to veto everything until they get in line.

Point out that you can make the DNC support any fucking county district attorney or state senator who wants to challenge them in the primaries. Scare them more than the GOP is scaring them.

Then, once you get this bill passed deal with the GOP. You'll be coming from a point of strength after a victory. Tell them that if they fuck with you on anything you'll dry up their districts and get soft money people to flood their states with the most vicious direct mail and television spots ever created this November.

I know you were a former community organizer and like to be a nice guy, but right now you can't be a nice guy. Right now you have to be a complete and total asshole.

So just do it and fuck these dipshits on both sides of the aisle up the ass.



Deep Thoughts

I really, really love that the Euro is falling and for that I'm happy about the EU financial crisis.

But, I don't understand how it came to be this way. Because, if you follow the news it really is starting to look like the entire common currency is a huge scam to bolster the French and German economies and fuck everyone else.

How the hell did they get Portugal, Spain, Italy and Greece to agree to a system that took away their ability to independently manage their economies without giving them anything concrete in return?

Seriously, if the Greeks didn't have the Euro they could simply devalue their currency and end the crisis. Because they have the Euro they are now going to have to fire a lot of public workers, give up on infrastructure maintenance and screw old people out of pensions.

Meanwhile, the French and Germans will get to buy food and services from the Greeks dirt cheap and get a supply of inexpensive Greek labor.

It would be like if New York and Massachusetts were able to get together and profit from letting New Jersey go bankrupt.

And, it's not going to stop with Greece. Spain goes next, then Portugal and then Italy. All the while Paris and Berlin are completely protected from all this shit.

How did so many smart people fuck up quite this badly?