February 18th, 2010

Can't Pretend That Growing Older Never Hurts

I always wake up for a little while around this time of morning to take my pill because it's when the Xanax has left my system and my system is screaming "Feed me, Seymour!" So, I take the pill and fuck around on the Internet for a half hour until I can go back to sleep.

Anyway, when I got up this time I had Pete Townsend's "Slit Skirts" in my head. Like I always do when I wake up at this hour with a song in my head I looked up the lyrics so I can sing them to myself and not wake up Rome Girl.

While doing so, I noticed that you can get a "Slit Skirts" ring tone.

Now, I'm as big a fan of Pete as anyone, but, holy shit, the lyrics of "Slit Skirts" are so fucking depressing I can't imagine anyone getting them as a ring tone. Shit, if they didn't bring you down, they'd make the people around you cry.

Anyway, here are the lyrics. Which ones do you think would make the least appropriate ring tone possible:

I was just thirty-four years old and I was still wandering in a haze
I was wondering why everyone I met seemed like they were
Lost in a maze

I don't know why I thought I should have some kind of
Divine right to the blues
It's sympathy not tears people need when they're the
Front page sad news.

The incense burned away and the stench began to rise
And lovers now estranged avoided catching each others' eyes

And girls who lost their children cursed the men who fit the coil
And men not fit for marriage took their refuge in the oil
No one respects the flame quite like the fool who's badly burned
From all this you'd imagine that there must be something learned

Slit skirts, Jeanie never wears those slit skirts
I don't ever wear no ripped shirts
Can't pretend that growing older never hurts.

Knee pants, Jeanie never wears no knee pants
Have to be so drunk to try a new dance
So afraid of every new romance

Slit skirts, slit skirt
Jeanie isn't wearing those slit skirts, slit skirt
She wouldn't dare in those slit skirts, slit skirt
Wouldn't be seen dead in no slit skirt

Slit skirts, slit skirt
Jeanie isn't wearing those slit skirts, slit skirt
She wouldn't dare in those slit skirts, slit skirt
Wouldn't be seen dead in no slit skirt

Romance, romance, why aren't we thinking up romance?
Why can't we drink it up true heart romance
Just need a brief new romance

Let me tell you some more about myself, you know I'm sitting at home just now.
The big events of the day are passed and the late TV shows have come around.
I'm number one in the home team, but I still feel unfulfilled.
A silent voice in her broken heart complains that I'm unskilled.

And I know that when she thinks of me, she thinks of me as him,
But, unlike me, she don't work off her frustration with gin.

Recriminations fester and the past can never change
A woman's expectations run from both ends of the range

Once she walked with untamed lovers' face between her legs
Now he's cooled and stifled and it's she who has to beg

Slit skirts, Jeanie never wears those slit skirts
And I don't ever wear no ripped shirts
Can't pretend that growing older never hurts

Knee pants, Jeanie never wears no knee pants
We have to be so drunk to try a new dance
So afraid of every new romance

Slit skirts, slit skirt
Jeanie isn't wearing those slit skirts, slit skirt
She wouldn't dare in those slit skirts, slit skirt
Wouldn't be seen dead in no slit skirt

Slit skirts, slit skirt
Jeanie isn't wearing those slit skirts, slit skirt
She wouldn't dare in those slit skirts, slit skirt
Wouldn't be seen dead in no slit skirt

Romance, romance, why aren't we thinking up romance?
Why can't we drink it up true heart romance
Just need a brief new romance

Rock On Languedoc Wine Makers

The local wine makers around Montpellier managed to slap phony Pinot Noir labels on 18 million bottles of shitty wine and sell the fakes in America.

The best part - not one American consumer noticed the difference or complained.

The second best part - the judge here gave them all suspended sentences - because nobody gives a shit if local wine makers rip off Americans.