February 10th, 2010

Valentine's Day Nightmares

My contribution to the Gawker Worst Valentine's Day Writing Contest:

"Valentine's Day, 1969.

I was living in this seriously warm pad where I got all the food I wanted for free.

Suddenly I was thrown out into the cold, cruel world. At which point one doctor slapped my ass and another one actually CUT OFF PART OF MY DICK!.

Then, a French girl threw me into an incubator like I was a fucking chicken or something.

Sure, I got a chance to play with tits for a while - but they belonged to my former landlord - who had just evicted me!

The landlord took off six weeks later, making me become room mates with this hippy dude who would not let me move out for 18 fucking years and always felt like he could tell me what to do."

It's Cold

Fuck you, Al Gore!

Can you people please go out there and fire up your SUVs again?

And cows, please start farting some more. I really don't care if penguins have a nice place to live, I want it to be fucking warmer!

Guessing Game

Behold!

Match That Muff.

The deal is it shows you a picture of a fully clothed pretty girl.

Then, it shows you close up pictures of three vaginas. You then have to click on the vagina you think belongs to the pretty girl.

Of the first 10 I got eight right!