January 29th, 2010

Linus And Locke

As anyone who has ever watched Lost knows, sometimes it's a wonderful show and sometimes it's a complete piece of shit. There is no middle ground.

So, what do you think the last season is going to be like? Will it be the godawful nightmare that was the last seasons of The Sopranos and Battlestar Galactica or will is be cool as shit like the end of Prison Break?

Here's what I think they need to do in order to get it right, though please feel free to add your own Lost wish list:

1. Fucking explain the Smoke Monster in a coherent way that isn't something like "It's whatever you want it to be."

2. Bring back "The numbers" and explain them (since it's almost like the writers have forgotten about the numbers.)

3. Let us know if it's been "the others" fucking with the Oceanic survivors for years or if it's been the Oceanic survivors who have been fucking with the others.

4. Come up with some rational explanation for The Man Who Does Not Age.

5. Please, please, please don't have the entire story end up being "A dream Hurley had in the mental institution".

6. Let Sawyer get the girl. Jack has always been a fucking douchebag. Shit, he was a douchebage on Party of Five. Don't let the douchebag get the girl.

7. Don't let this season be a complete reboot simply because of the nuke. That's cheating!

8. Convince me that J.J. Abrams knew where this was going and wasn't just making it up out of his ass all along.

Writer's Block: Copy that

How do you feel about human cloning? Do you think the long-term societal impact will be positive or negative? Why?

It will be positive and help unite the Republic under a benevolent leader who will stamp out religious extremists. But, ultimately a bunch of violent left wing hippies will sabotage our military's best weapons system and assassinate our kind overlord.

Deep Thoughts

Having The Who play the Superbowl Halftime Show is a great publicity stunt.

But, you know what would be an even better one? Having Roman Polanski sing the National Anthem at the start of the game.

Check Your Cup Size

Australia wants to ban porn featuring small breasted women.

They think it attracts pedophiles.

Because, god knows that taking away images of adult women they can masturbate too won't encourage them to look for kiddie porn or anything.

I wonder how this makes small breasted women in Australia feel - since it's sorta telling them that their husbands and/or boyfriends are potential child molesters. It's also sorta saying that they are not adult women if they don't have big tits.

Oh.... and has Australia not heard of the fucking Internet? Because, good fucking luck trying to block every website in the world that features chicks with itty bitty titties.

I Always Knew It Would Be Like This

Man if you search around the Internet you'll find thousands of people who are mad as hell at Brett Easton Ellis for posting a joke tweet about J.D. Salinger's death.

But, I'm not one of those people. I say, "Rock on Brett. Rock the fuck on."

I don't think he's saying he's honestly glad someone died. I think he's saying that all the fucking sad tweets and blog posts about Salinger's death are bullshit.

And... he's right.

J.D. Salinger is the man who wrote the Worst Book In The History Of American Literature. This does not make me glad he's dead. But it does make me not want to be sad about the passing of a 91 year old recluse who created The Most Annoying And Influential Character In American Literature.

Seriously. Holden Caufield is a dick. And he's a dick that a lot of people decided they wanted to be just like, so they became dicks too.

Whenever I meet someone and they are a pretentious self absorbed prick I assume they are a Catcher In The Rye Fan.

Whenever I see a Phish video I assume all those trustafarian fucknuts are Catcher In The Rye Fans.

Whenever I think of the people who voted for Ralph Nadar in 2000, I assume they are Catcher In The Rye Fans.

The only decent thing that ever came about because of Catcher In The Rye was a pretty kick ass Mel Gibson film over a decade ago. And since then, Mel Gibson has become a dick. I wonder if this happened after he was surrounded by Catcher In The Rye for weeks on set.

So yeah, I'm not upset about Salinger's passing. And if that pisses you off and makes you want to flame me, all I can say is what Salinger himself would have said: "All morons hate it when you call them a moron."