January 13th, 2010

Writer's Block: Meanwhile, back on the ranch ...

What is the absolute worst part of returning to work or school after a particularly long and relaxing vacation? How quickly do you reacclimate to the daily grind?


Every time I go back to The Company Obama's fucking Justice Department has new limits on how I can interrogate rag heads.

Thank fuck I'm still allowed to shoot off their toes one by one, or I'd quit and just go work for Blackwater.

From The Freelance Job Boards

Project Description:

Looking for someone to write me a ebook that will WRITE me a book or DVD on 1) Causes of Gangster Behavour amoungst our youth. 2) How does a Young man go from a Good Boy to get involved in the THug Life, Using drugs, talking and walking llike a THUG 3) How does a good Boy gets attractive to al life of Robbery and wek smoking, and a Gangster. HOW do we REHABILITATE and change the MINDSET of your Precious YOUTH ( young boys and GIirls ) to a PRODUCTIVE life in Society after being involved in a life of Gangster. How to GANGSTER Proof your Teeanage Boy.

Deep Thoughts

I think the most amusing thing about my new doctor's office is that in the waiting room there is a sign reading (in French) "We don't prescribe Rohypnol."

People who don't smoke smell weird and have no easy excuse to get out of awkward bar conversations.

The best part of The Garden Of Earthly Delights is where God is introducing Adam and Eve to the Garden of Eden and there's a cat right below them with a dead mouse in its mouth.

One of my LJ friends keeps getting messages from guys on online dating sites talking about their "souls." Any dude on an online dating sites who uses the words "soul" or "souls" is a dick. Why not just admit you are looking for pussy?

The song on DJ Hero where the dude insults you the entire time is almost impossible.

Jay Leno is a dick.

Darwin At Work

Ok.

So imagine you are a 50 year old gay guy and then another 50 year old gay guy and his 65 year old boyfriend invite you to a 12 hour crack fueled orgy in their dungeon.

Then, imagine after boning for half a fucking day in a viagara and crack haze one of the dudes hands you a revolver and asks you to masturbate while pointing it at his head and pulling the trigger?

How fucked up do you have to be to actually do it?

Then, how completely screwed up do you have to be to spend the next fucking day in the dungeon with the 65 year old dude and the dead body before you call the cops?

Also, when you are 65 and engaged in 12 hour crack fueled gay orgies involving gun play do you wear condoms, or do you just figure that you've already thrown the idea of safe sex out the window?

UPDATE: According to the court transcripts all three of them had AIDS, so I'm guessing they were barebacking.

Calling On People Who Can Play Instruments

Do you think Electric Guitar For Dummies would actually work?

I ask because after more than two years of playing Guitar Hero I want to find out if I can figure out a real guitar. Plus, my birthday is in February.

Is it possible that this could be worth almost $200 (if it would let me learn how to play a bunch of Keith Richards riffs, the answer is "yes".)

Or, is it more likely that if I haven't learned how to play guitar by age 40, I'll probably never figure it out?