January 3rd, 2010

I Am Sometimes An Idiot

Of all my vices the only one that my doctor has asked me to stop is coffee. He says I can drink with my Not Go Crazy Pills and that smoking - for the moment - decreases my anxiety, but that coffee will fuck with me.

So, for more than a year I haven't had any coffee. But, on Friday I woke up hungover, Rome Girl had crashed at a friends house, I had a shit load of work to do and I wanted to get out in the world/read a book in a cafe/hang out with some friends.

I figured how bad could it be? I drink a coca cola every day and don't notice any negative reactions. Plus, it was a little cold and coffee is so fucking warm.

Obviously, you see where this is going. I had a couple cups of coffee - and holy mother of fuck was that a bad idea.

I became ridiculously paranoid, convinced that Rome Girl didn't love me, that all my friends hated me, that everyone saw a black soul inside me, that I was going to get mugged, people were trying to kill me and that no one fucking cared.

It was exactly like what used to happen to me before I started my medication (and when I used to drink a lot of coffee.)

I ended up having to self medicate with extra Not Go Crazy Pills and some booze just to stop the pounding in my chest and chase away the demons. I didn't sleep at all Friday night and it wasn't until I was having drinks with Rome Girl and Hippy IT Boy Saturday night that I felt like a valid human being again.

So, there you have it. No more coffee for me. I'm not going to ask why coffee fucks me up and coca cola doesn't. All I know is that I've proven my doctor is right when he says "don't drink coffee with these fucking pills."

I just wish I had trusted him and hadn't had to figure this out the hard way.