December 24th, 2008

Writer's Block: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Cancelled flights, missed connections, long layovers—what's the worst holiday travel story you've heard? Or experienced?

When me and my friend, D.B. were on this flight and out of nowhere the motherfucker hijacked the thing. I knew D.B. wasn't violent, so I wasn't worried about him hurting anybody, but the dude owed me $50!

So, anyway, he made them land the plane - which meant I was now like four hours late and I was expecting to hit up this pay for play girl named Chicago Sue before I saw my family, but now this was looking unlikely.

The plane finally took off and D.B. showed me a backpack full of money - but he still didn't give me my fifty bucks! I started getting pissed off and was getting ready to kick D.B.'s ass, but then he says "hold on, I'll be right back."

I'm trying to calm down when I see him amble over to the front of the plane, put on a parachute, open the door and jump out.

I never did see D.B. or my fifty clams again.

Surprisingly Work Safe


PG Porn!

"How many times have you been watching a great porn film – you're really enjoying the story, the acting, the cinematography – when, all of the sudden, they ruin everything with PEOPLE HAVING SEX?

A bunch of times, right?

That's why I, along with my brothers Brian and Sean, have created JAMES GUNN'S PG-PORN. It's pornography everyone can enjoy, not just perverts. You and your grandmother, for instance, could sit down together and enjoy some nice clean smut. Or your kids could come home from school, and the whole family could gather around the computer and not-jerk-off to some porn deeply embedded with traditional values (like not fucking.) "

Rome Girl Is Back!

She finally got in after midnight last night. We spent an hour looking at pictures from her trip and then went to bed.

This morning she examined my injuries from the fall and was like "dude, taking Aleve isn't enough."

So we went grocery shopping and then hit a pharmacy where she bought all sorts of ointments that she rubbed over my back, knee and ear. She also has a burn on her hand from a kitchen accident the other day so she ointmented herself as well. Her body is till way sore from the trip, so we are hobbling around like an elderly couple.

We're both way horny but have yet to figure out a way to make parts meet parts without hurting each other.


P.S. When she was on the last train last night at 10:30 p.m. she was talking with a dude who was complaining about the train delays and how he'd been traveling since 10 a.m. She told him she had been traveling since 7:30 a.m. He asked her where she started and she said "Rome." His eyes bugged out so she asked him where he started. "Cairo," he commented.

"I can't believe it took me longer to get from Rome to Montpellier than it took this guy to get from Egypt to Montpellier," Rome Girl commented.

Clean Living

All year long I post dirty stuff (and I will post more dirty stuff soon) but I figured, just once on Christmas Eve I'll try to tell a clean joke!

And, I invite you all to submit your own clean jokes! We can share the wholesomeness!

Anyway, here's mine.

There once was a tribe of midgets, called The Trids, who lived in a valley. What they liked most in this world was climbing to the top of a nearby mountain and picking the special berries that grew there.

But, one day, a giant came by and started kicking The Trids with his big feet back into the valley every time they tried to climb the mountain.

A few weeks later a wandering rabbi came to their village. They explained their problem and the rabbi said he'd help.

The rabbi climbed the mountain, but to his surprise, the giant did not kick him off.

"Hey, giant," the rabbi screamed. "If you are so tough, why don't you kick me off this mountain.'

"Silly rabbi," the giant responded. "Kicks are for Trids."