In one of the English tabloids left at the Vert Anglais tonight there was a story that said some sort of new study had concluded that when women get their hair cut really short it's because their libidos are low and they want to take a break from sex.
My shrink has spent a lot of the past few months talking to me about books and music and art that I like. Rome Girl often makes fun of me about it because she jokes that my shrink and I are more interested in talking about our shared academic experiences than anything else.
But, during my session tonight it finally became clear where this is going. She thinks I'm in love with damage and doom and risk. That the reason I smoke so much and drink so much and like it when my girlfriend cheats on me is that I fetishize risk, danger, mistakes, problems and death.
"I think you might be right," I told her. "I mean last night I drank way too much and today I felt way too hungover and I love it. The feeling of knowing I was drinking more than I should and that I'd feel like death today was beautiful. The hangover I had today was exquisite. There is a joy in beautiful agony that I can't get from anything else. When I masturbated today it felt better because I felt so bad before I touched my cock. Every moment of today felt better because I felt like shit which made me feel alive. I crave sitting on the cliff, I yearn for the damage. The more I know about cigarettes being bad for me the more I enjoy them. The potential for pain and loss and risking losing everything is what makes me feel in love with life."
"Ok,' she said. "But now you have to decide if you want to move beyond that or else find a way to embrace it in a healthier manner.'
"I can't make that choice," I said.
"You mean you can't make that choice yet," she said.
i was just thinking today about how making more money doing what we are doing is different than when i've made more money than this in the past.
it's because every time we sign a new job, it's a win that has been earned. the thing with getting promoted at work in an office environment is that you work so hard for it, but the next day after the promotion and you come into work, it's still the same dead-ass office job. you feel like you've been fooling youself the whole time. with this, it's pure, and real, and right, and mercenary, and we have earned every single penny we ahve made.
i love it. i love every hard-earned hour i put into this job. and i am very, very thankful i have met you Bart and that you introduced me to this way of working. i hàve never felt more accomplished in my life - cand that includes my degree, my stage work and my previous paychecks.
it's such a great feeling. i wouldn't trade it for any office job.