Drunken Expat Writer

So, I told my mom last night that she was a total bitch for getting all this free advice and help out of me for two days and never saying thank you.

She simply told me to fuck off, but must have mentioned it to my dad, because he sent me a really heartfelt "thanks" this morning.

Yay!

Whenever a girl asks me to pick up tampons on the way home from the bar, I feel compelled to also buy a bunch of beer, snacks and similar shit, because it makes me feel like less of a wuss.

I know there is no rational reason to feel that way - but I do.

Blog by a girl who hates condoms and loves threesomes.

It's smoking!

On my way back from my shrink today I saw a guy with a brand new cast on his right arm. He was walking a dog with a brand new cast on it's right front leg.

"There has to be a story here," was all I could think.

'THE MOMENT things began to turn around in Iraq is when the USO deployed Jessica Simpson," said President Bush at a USO benefit recently.

OK, this is the best application ever.

It's a program to help you avoid sending drunk emails! Other than twain I think this would help everyone on my friends list.

I know it would make my life both better and less interesting at the same time.

What it does is figure out the times of night you are most likely to decide that you want to send a drunken crazy email to your family, ex girlfriend, that Bulgarian stripper who gave you her card, The White House, Palin's daughter, etc.. and then makes sure you are in the right state of mind to send them.

It does this by making you solve a couple of fairly easily math problems in a short period of time. If you can't it makes you wait until the morning to send your email.

How fucking awesome is that!

Now, if I could just get the same application for my cell phone...

Ok, now that we've covered The worst rock bands ever let's move on to the next step.

What is the worst song ever recorded that actually gets regular airplay (in other words Captain Kirk's spoken word rock songs don't count.)

I'm voting for "Knights In White Satin" and "Emotional Rescue" but am prepared to be moved by other magically malodorous melodies.