?

Log in

No account? Create an account

September 24th, 2008

Hmmm...

I can't decide which headline on today's Drudge Report is more useless.

Is it "Clay Is Gay: Aiken Comes Our Of The Closet"

or

"Lindsay Lohan Says She Is Dating Samantha Ronson"

Photobucket

I Don't Want To Be Right

I know it's wrong and cliche, but when porn stars and escorts are identical twins it always turns me on.

And since you get two of them 400 pounds an hour doesn't really seem that bad.

Photobucket

From The Freelance Job Boards

Project Description:

I need an epert to write me 3 college application essays to Stanford so the quality need to be excellent. Each essay should be 1500 words long and the questions are
1/Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging
2/Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better.
3/Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

I don't really care about the price. Can be up to $500. If i got accepted then there will also be an reward promised of another $500.
What I am looking for is the quality only.

Hack Attack

I can't believe that the FBI is referring to the kid who got into Sarah Palin's Yahoo account as a "hacker" and seriously trying to prosecute him.

You know how the motherfucker got into her Yahoo account?

He clicked on "Forget Your Password?"

Yahoo then asked him:

"What is your youngest child's name?"

He typed in "Trig."

It then said "Where did you meet your spouse?"

He typed in "Alaska."

Then it gave him her password.

That's not fucking hacking.

If I walk out of my house and leave my door wide open and you come in and take my television that's not "breaking and entering." If I am holding a knife and you run at me and throw yourself on the knife I have not committed "murder."

Believe The Lie

Searching around today I found this excerpt that reminds me exactly why I think American Tabloid is the best written book of the past 50 years. The way these sentences build on themselves leaves me, as a writer, humbled and in awe.

"Hoover bought the lie. An L.A. agent told Boyd that Monroe was now under intense surveillance: bug/taps and six full-time men.

Said agents were baffled. Jack the Haircut and MM have not been in contact.

Pete laughed himself silly. Dracula confirmed the rumor: Marilyn and Jack were one hot item!!!!

Boyd said he skin-searched all Jack's girls.

Boyd said Kennedy and Nixon were running neck-and-neck.

Pete didn't say, I've got dirt. I can SELL it to Jimmy Hoffa; I can GIVE it to you to smear Nixon with.

Jimmy's a colleague. Boyd's a partner. Who's more pro-Cause -- Jack or Nixon?

Tricky Dick was hotly anti-Beard. Jack was vocal but still short of rabid.

John Stanton called Nixon 'Mr. Invasion.' Kemper said Jack would green-light all invasion plans.

Boyd's key campaign issue was COMPARTMENTALIZATION."

Enjoy Becoming A Third World Country

I am beyond amused by the idea of a Presidential candidate who admits he doesn't understand economics suspending his campaign in order to work on the economy.

What's next?

Will Bush invoke some sort of weird national crisis powers to postpone the election indefinitely?

Will the American people decide that this shows character and throw him the election?

Is Japan going to buy Idaho?

Is Baltar the last cylon?

All this and more to be revealed in the next episode of Fox Broadcasting's breakout reality show, "Burning Down The White House!"

Palpatine Suspends Campaign To Help Heal The Economy

(CNN) -- Washington D.C. -- Sith Presidential Candidate Sen. Palpatine (R-Naboo) announced today that he is suspending all presidential campaigns in order to deal directly with the nation's worsening economic crisis.

"I'm arranged for my opponents to be encased in carbonite until the markets have stabilized and this regrettable period in our history is behind us," Palpatine said. "All we must do to achieve this is to temporarily set politics and freedom aside, and I am committed to doing so."

Palpatine's running mate, Anakin Skywalker, said that plans were being put in place to dissolve the Senate so that Palpatine will have a free hand to set the country back on course.

When asked if he thought that the American people would accept the dismissal of their elected representatives, Skywalker said, "Fear will keep them in line."

Obama strategist Han Solo said that plans were being put in place to try to free the Senator from carbonite as soon as possible.

"As you well know, I've been in carboninte before," Solo said. "and let me tell you, it's not as relaxing as it appears."

Solo has recently been dodging accusations from Republican candidate Sen. John McCain that he once worked as a smuggler and for an armed terrorist cell intent on sabotaging key military installations.

He refused to respond to those accusations today and added, "I want to put it on the record right now: I am not now and have never been a scruffy nerf herder."

Wall Street reacted positively to Palpatine's announcement as the Dow Jones Industrial Average shot up nearly 500 points before the end of trading.

"All the market was looking for was some stability and leadership to help them through the rough times," Palpatine's chief economic advisor, Patrick Bateman, said. "Remember, the heart of rock and roll is steal beating!"

Palpatine said he could not estimate when the election cycle would be put back on track.

"It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling," he said. "I love democracy. I love the Republic. The powers you give me I will lay down when this crisis has been abated!"

President Bush said he approved of Palpatine's action.

"As soon as the Senator called me," Bush said. "My response was, 'What is thy bidding, master?"

Cat Food

Rome Girl and I were debating tonight whether the dry cat food we give Squirt really is as "flavorful" as it claims on the box.

I argued that it probably tasted like shit, she said it was probably fine.

So, we did the only thing we could: we both ate some.

The verdict?

I thought it tasted like bran.

She said "It' tastes like a pet store. It tastes like cedar chips and hampster poop."

We then felt bad for the cat and gave her some vanilla ice cream.

The Horror

Behold!

A vibrator that is also an electric razor.

Because, you know, vibrating blades are exactly what you want happening when you are masturbating.

June 2019

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30      

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com