September 21st, 2008

If The Real Thing Don't Do The Trick

The awesome absente pointed me to this wonderful response from the Wilson sisters to McCain's use of their song Barracuda to promote Sara Palin.

That said, if I was the type of person who liked to think about rock music, celebrities, politicians and the meaning of words, I'd point out to the McCain campaign what the song is really about - and them ask them if he still thinks it's appropriate.

For those of you who haven't heard it for a while - it's the story of a girl who gets date raped by her abusive ex-boyfriend. Hence why he's called a barracuda. (This is an ongoing theme in songs by Heart. Magic Man is the statutory rape version of the same song.)

If I was that type of guy, this is the verse I'd put in an ad and ask McCain to justify:

"You lying so low in the weeds/
I bet you gonna ambush me/
You'd have me down down down down on my knees/
Now wouldn't you, barracuda?"

Craigslist Jackass

For the win.

"Hi, I am looking for someone who wants to be my absolutely terrible girlfriend. Why? To help make my sister realize that it really sucks when your sibling dates someone her current boyfriend. It seems that normal measures (avoiding hang outs, telling her directly, etc.) aren't working, so it is time to move to more drastic measures. I need someone who is going to be truly awful, not just on the outside, but inside as well.

Candidates should be painful to be around, obnoxious, thoughtless and immature. She should use terms like, "tragic," "as if" and various internet terms like "omg," "lol," "jk," etc.

Other sought after qualities:

Has expensive tastes while being really cheap
Makes totally inappropriately timed comments
Always wants to go home early
Acts really cold to my sister
Gets extremely possessive and jealous
Constantly touches me at inappropriate times in inappropriate ways
Has a painfully obnoxious laugh or says "that's so funny" rather than laughing

In return for your "companionship," you can expect quality dinners, drinks, music and other forms of entertainment. Should our relationship linger (as my sister's relationship lingers), there is potential for jewelry, trips and other more lavish gifts. Since I am committed to this project, I am prepared to match my sister's relationship status tit-for-tat, up to and including engagement and marriage. If you do manage to break them up, we can happily end our relationship (you keep all merchandise, of course) and you will be my best friend for life.

If any, or all, of this appeals to you, please let contact me. The more terrible you are (and the sooner we can introduce you to my sister), the better."


"It's the Obama people on the phone," I said to Rome Girl. "They want to help us with our absentee ballots."

"Cool," she said. "I'll write down the information."

"I wonder what they'd think about helping us to register if the knew I was going to write in Emperor Palpatine," I asked when she got off the phone.

"You are not going to vote for Palpatine," she said. "I told you that you are going to vote for Obama."

"Wait," I responded. "You simply said I wasn't allowed to vote for McCain. Palpatine is more seasoned than Obama and more reasonable than the republicans."

"Do you like my vagina," Rome Girl asked.

Chastity Belt Snark

I'm just wrapping up the section of the male chastity belt book titled "Why You Should Put Your Man In Chastity." It's about six pages long.

The next chapter is "Why You Should Embrace Wearing A Chastity Belt If You Are A Man."

I'm thinking of simply writing: "Because she said so."

That could be the entire chapter.


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