September 1st, 2008

Notes On My Evening

1. I really like it when you are Bee Mario in Super Mario Galaxy.

2. I'm not as fond of Spring Mario.

3. I wonder if Bowzer will ever get difficult to beat. I'm at 42 stars and it's still just a matter of making him jump in a silly place and then kicking him while his tail is on fire. It's like the opposite of most games. The levels are hard but the bosses are easy.

4. Katie Holmes looks really cute in "Thank You For Smoking."

5. Rome Girl and I took great glee in smoking while watching "Thank You For Smoking."

6. The line "99 percent of all bad things in life happen because of having to pay the mortgage - the world would be a better place if everyone rented" is awesome.

7. For some reason all of the ads that LJ has placed on my blog today simply read "ADVERTISEMENT."

8. Has Michael Moore now become the Anne Coulter of the left?

9. There has to be a joke somewhere in the republicans not being able to see either Bush or Dick at the convention.

10. Did you know that there is Super Mario fetish porn? Now you do. Final Fantasy fetish porn also exists.

Freelance Economy

Elance, the company I use to find most of my new freelance clients, recently added a feature where they update me every day on my proposal results over the last six months.

Therefore I can tell you that as of today over the last six months I've submitted 309 proposals and signed 62 clients giving me a signing rate of 20 percent.

The problem is that they've never given the stats to use before and they don't give us the stats of any of the other freelancers I'm competing against.

Therefore I have no idea if 20 percent is a good rate at signing clients, a bad rate, an expected rate, a great rate or whatever.

I know that I tend to be able to afford alcohol, food and cigarettes - which has been my definition of doing well over the last eight years.

Also, say my percentage suddenly went up or down? Should I be elated or concerned? Would a lower rate simply mean I was throwing out more proposals? Would a higher rate mean that I was being lazy and only submitting proposals for jobs I knew I could get and being a coward who is afraid to reach for the stars?

It's so puzzling. I wish there was a way that they could give me my stats over the last eight years of working with them - that might give me some perspective.

Otherwise it's just a number and I'm not sure what value they think they are providing by giving it to me.

Cosmalesbian Claire

Today the Guardian muses about why there is very little lesbian content in women's magazines like Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire.

The representatives of those magazines were unavailable for comment, but I would say the answer is obvious: lesbians, in general, have had sex and know how sex works.

I doubt the same could be said for the writers of Cosmo, who as far as I can tell have the sex lives of giggling seventh grade virgins.

Seriously, here are some of the sex tips that Cosmo has given out of the years:

1. Wrap your scrunchie around his cock while you give him a hand job.

2. Chill marbles in your freezer and then throw them on the bed right before sex and make him lie on the cold marbles.

3. Put a doughnut on his cock and eat it off.

4. Pour nearly boiling hot water over his cock while you stimulate him

5. This is one of my faves because it just makes no sense at all: "Encourage your man to touch you when you have your favorite tight jeans on." Seriously, ladies, if we are horny the last thing we want to be reminded of is that you still have your jeans on.

Now these are the tips they give straight girls to please straight men - who are simple creatures.

In the immortal words of Alex Balk, if you want the best sex tip for pleasing your man, here it is: "Just blow me already!"

Imagine the sex advice Cosmo would give lesbians, who are, overall, 50 times more complex sexually than straight men.

"Pour scalding water on her clitoris!"

"Rub her ass with chorizo!

"Put a pride flag on your bed and make love over the rainbow!"

"Shout 'Surrender Dorthy' during oral play!",

"Gently touch her favorite pair of Dock Martins"

"Shave each others heads as foreplay!"

My god, the lesbians would be breaking into gales of hysterical laughter. Cosmo with advice for lesbians would become better reading than The Onion.

My Heart Bleeds

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Fuel prices have grounded an unexpected frequent-flyer: Diddy.

Sean "Diddy" Combs complained about the "... too high" price of gas and pleaded for free oil from his "Saudi Arabia brothers and sisters" in a YouTube video posted Wednesday.

The hip-hop mogul said he is now flying on commercial airlines instead of in private jets, which Combs said had previously cost him $200,000 and up for a roundtrip between New York and Los Angeles.

"I'm actually flying commercial," Diddy said before walking onto an airplane, sitting in a first-class seat and flashing his boarding pass to the camera. "That's how high gas prices are. I'm at the gate right now. This is really happening, proof gas prices are too high. Tell whoever the next president is we need to bring gas prices down."

Happy Hour At The Vert Anglais In Montpellier Tonight!

Hey boys and girls - I know there are a lot of new students in town tonight. So I want to welcome all you crazy expat students to Montpellier France.

I hope that at some point between drinking, dancing and drugging you get time to study this year. (It's true, I once knew a student in this town who learned French. I felt like buying him an "I Am Legend" T-shirt.)

But, assuming you are like most of the English, American, Irish and Aussie students who turn up in Montpellier every September to hit the three Ds far away from your parents and peers back home, I figured I might as well throw you a tip - Monday night is half price all night happy hour at the Vert Anglais in Centre Ville Montpellier each and every week.

Starting at 6 p.m. you can turn up and drink beer for much less than anywhere else and keep drinking until 2 a.m. if you've got the stamina.

The bar is just behind Virgin Records and has a large green awning.

It's where almost all the English speakers in town drink and is also good if you have any questions about French culture, opening a bank account, looking for room mates or trying to get laid.

A brief note to the American student girls looking to hook up in Montpellier: EU guys have foreskin.

Every fall at least two or three girls end up in the bar complaining when they discover that EU cocks don't look like the other cocks they have encountered in their lives.

Some girls don't care either way. Some like the extra bit of skin, but there are always a few who think it looks or smells nasty.

So, my advice for you is to drink a little bit more than usual before you see the skin of your first EU hookup - so you'll have the courage to confront that extra inch in a pinch!

Also girls, during your first few weeks here your gaydar will probably be set off a lot - and then you'll be surprised when the guy hits on you anyway.

That's because straight French men look dress and act like gay American guys, so don't be fooled. Just because he has nice clean clothes, uses moisturizer, dances with other guys and prances instead of walks doesn't make him gay - it makes him Euro!

So welcome to Montpellier France new students!

We can't wait to meet you!

Emails With My Lady

From Rome Girl:

Hey, look at your horoscope!

Isn't it so reviving to get the hell out of the environment you are in once in a while and go see the sights, make a few new contacts, enjoy the art and architecture OUTSIDE your zip code and talk to people who DON'T know what's been going on in your life and inside your head? You bet it is, and even if some of those ghosts still lurk in the shadows (you can't get rid of them that easily) you can see know that there is life after.....

From Me:

Fuck, does this mean my ex wife is going to fucking turn up at the vert anglais tonight?

From Rome Girl:

I think he means MENTAL ghosts, dear. And that we need to get out of town for our dates!!

From Me:

But wait, Super Mario Galaxy is outside my zip code.