May 10th, 2008

The Best B Movie Ever

"How does it feel to be dead," Robert "Freddy Kruger" Englund asks.

"I've never felt so alive," Jenna Jameson responds.

If you get that joke - and not just the words, but why those two actors saying those words are funny, then Zombie Strippers is something you need to download.

It's better than anything Ed Wood ever made.

The premise is that George W. Bush is in his fourth term and Jenna Bush is Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Then they create a virus that makes women sexier and allows dead soldiers to keep fighting.

Along the way the zombie strippers quote Camus, Sartre, Roland Barthes, Engels and Ionesco. (And that's just the quotes I got. I'm fairly sure there are some other famous authors they quote that I missed. What's funny is that the more they become zombies, the more literary their quotes become. I'm guessing that the screenwriter didn't really like his fellow grad students.)

I can't say anything else without giving out spoilers, but will still say "Download this. It's worth a visit to Sartre, Nebraska."

Best moment in the film: After Jenna Jameson has become a zombie when you see her reading Camus' The Stranger and she comments "This makes so much more sense now."

Second best moment in the film:

"Can't we make love before we die," this dude says to his girlfriend.

"No," she says.

"Well," he responds, "Can't I at least have a drity sanchez or a foamy Chewbacca."

Third best moment.

"Badges, we sure need some stinking badges."

I'll Never Understand My Step Mom

Since my brother graduated from Notre Dame last May, my stepmom has been bitching about him finding a "real job."

The background on this is he wanted to bartend in Madrid for a year but was told he'd get cut out of the will if he did so. In response he's been living at home and bartending on weekends.

So, now he's decided he wants to be a high school teacher.

"That's not a real job," she told him. "Too many Calendars have been teachers."

I just don't get it. I know that she wants him to be a banker or a stock trader or something of that scale - but you can't make someone want that life.

Fuck, America needs smart high school teachers. It's a fucking noble profession.

I'm unsure how she thinks she'll accomplish her goals or what the point of her goals are. Does she really want him to make a lot of money but be miserable?


I was just instant messaging my dad about Mother's Day, while trying to write the home page for the gay bear site.

It's a strange feeling to be trying to come up with dirty jokes about fat, hairy gay men, while holding a conversation about where he should take her for brunch.

Clean Water

I was talking to my shrink the other day about how so many of my dreams involve cold, clean water.

The other night I had this dream where I "woke up" in the dream and was really thirsty and needed to drink ice cold water. In the dream there were dozens of refrigerators in my apartment, but as I opened them up I could not find what I wanted.

Instead they were full of bottles of gin and vodka - which looked like water but couldn't quench my thirst. Every so often I would find a bottle of water, but it would be warm, or full of sand or salty.

The more I looked the more bottles of booze I saw around the apartment ad the less water. Even the tap in my sink didn't work. Finally I really woke up.

I've also had dreams where a faceless woman - who tells me I need to figure out who she is - keeps transporting me to different places, each time carefully washing my feet in cold clean water.

And other dreams where I'm swimming up a river and keep getting washed to the bottom. Before I start I drink from the stream and the cold water makes me feel strong and powerful and able to start up again, even though I never reach the top and always get washed down to the bottom again.