Shvarts reiterated Thursday that she repeatedly used a needleless syringe to insert semen into herself. At the end of her menstrual cycle, she took abortifacient herbs to induce bleeding, she said. She said she does not know whether or not she was ever pregnant. "No one can say with 100-percent certainty that anything in the piece did or did not happen," Shvarts said, "because the nature of the piece is that it did not consist of certainties."
I'm doing sales copy this week for a company that will teach you how to build a home care business. These businesses provide people who help the elderly live in their homes with as much independence as possible. For once, I sorta feel good about a product I'm selling.
That said, as part of the process I've had to research the statistics on aging, and how hospitals are discharging people more and more quickly and how few older people live near their families and it's fucking breaking my heart.
Anyway, it just reminded me of a song I haven't heard in a long time, called "Hello In There" by John Prine.
We had an apartment in the city, Me and Loretta liked living there. Well, it'd been years since the kids had grown, A life of their own left us alone. John and Linda live in Omaha, And Joe is somewhere on the road. We lost Davy in the Korean war, And I still don't know what for, don't matter anymore.
Chorus: Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger, And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day. Old people just grow lonesome Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."
Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more, She sits and stares through the back door screen. And all the news just repeats itself Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen. Someday I'll go and call up Rudy, We worked together at the factory. But what could I say if asks "What's new?" "Nothing, what's with you? Nothing much to do."
So if you're walking down the street sometime And spot some hollow ancient eyes, Please don't just pass 'em by and stare As if you didn't care, say, "Hello in there, hello."
I know get where these attacks of paranoia come from.
Luckily, since I started meds they happen less and less often, but when they do they are so fucking weird.
When Rome Girl went off to Italy she'd just found out that her bank card had expired and we hadn't gotten the new card in the mail yet. So I sent her off with a lot of cash in hand.
Yesterday, the bank card finally arrived, so I went to La Poste this morning to send it off.
As I was preparing to go, this wave of fear/heebie jeebies swept over me.
Did Rome Girl give me the right address?
What if I get mugged on the way to La Poste?
What if someone steals the letter after I mail it?
What if I somehow lose the card on the way to La Poste?
What if the postal people can't read my writing and the letter gets lost in the mail?
What if someone steals that entire bag of mail?
What if La Poste is on strike for the next week or so and Rome Girl ends up starving?
What if they do something to the letter at customs that wrecks the card?
And so on and so on and so on.
Luckily, after months of therapy and meds I can now recognize the intrusive thoughts for what they are and they no longer debilitate me. I was able to get to La Poste (though I was terrified of everyone on the the street. Why exactly was that one dude looking at me? Why motherfucker? Why????)
And while I could not stop the thoughts, I knew they were crazy. I also knew I could not stop them, but also didn't give into them. I knew I was stronger than they are. And, I guess, realizing when your thoughts are crazy is the first step towards not being crazy.