March 13th, 2008

New Fundraising Record

CORUSCANT - (AP)-- Sen. Palpatine, riding a crest of high poll ratings, announced yesterday that he raised a record $50 million in February, easily dwarfing the fund raising efforts of his chief rivals, Sen. Obama, Admiral Adama and Sen. McCain.

Palpatine's chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker, said that much of the money was garnered through direct mail advertisements and from members of the Trade Federation.

"Our opponents said we shouldn't even try to match their donor base," Skywalker said. "But I say 'Do or do not. There is no try."

When contacted by the Associated Press, several members of the Trade Federation said that while they were not planning to vote for Palpatine they felt strangely compelled to send him money after opening up his mass mailings.

When asked about this phenomenon, Trade Federation President Jacob Jansen replied, "These aren't the droids you are looking for."

Meanwhile, Admiral Adama, who has seen his poll numbers start to climb steadily since entering the race earlier this week, announced that he had selected the controversial businessman, Han Solo, as his running mate.

While Solo is considered a charismatic candidate who is very popular with "Soccer Moms" and midwestern voters, rumors about how he initially made his fortune have dogged him for years.

"We believe that Solo may have started his business with the profits of various smuggling operations," a representative of the Obama campaign told the AP. "He may have also been involved with various terrorist activities and training camps in Hoth and Endor. For years we've believed that there may actually be a price on his head."

While Solo could not be reached for comment, his wife, Lea, issued a statement saying "My husband is a respectable businessman. While he may have been involved with some radical elements in his youth, he was never an active member of any terrorist cell. In fact, during the time period in question he was encased in carbonite."

Why America Sometimes Sucks

There is a controversy brewing in Illinois.

For those of you who don't want to click - some people think that an item on a public high school's reading list is "racist gay smut."

The item the kids (in an AP English Class) were assigned to read - Pulitzer prize winning play Angels In America.

Luckily one of the people complaining has a blog (that's what you'll go to if you follow the link) so you can comment and tell him how you feel!