December 17th, 2007

Pork Fest

Pork Fest was a total success.

We pigged out with Miss Darling, Texas Gay Boy, Texas Gay Boy's Husband, Big Dave's Ex Wife, Cute Scottish Babe, Has It's Thorns, Belgian CIA Dude and The Dirty Baker.

We were making fun of Texas Gay Boy, because even though he's not only married to a dude and more gay than Elton John, none of his friends or family members in The Lone Star State have any idea.

So, he was practicing butch Texas Body Language and speech patterns for his Christmas trip home. It ended up being about as convincing as George Michael dating Brooke Shields.

"Dude," we finally said. "Just tell them you are acting European. They'll have no clue."

"Or," the six month's pregnant Miss Darling said. "Bring me home with you and tell them you've knocked up an older woman. And, I'll act like I'm seriously drunk and on drugs. Then, when they freak out about that say 'OK, I'll just go gay.' Compared to the alternative they'll be thrilled."

Miss Darling and I then had a long drawn out conversation where we realized that although we are almost exactly the same age, feel the same way about drink, drugs and sex and have the same political views we have exactly opposite tastes in music.

Her favorite groups are Robbie Williams, Oasis and The Beatles. Eventually we agreed that we both liked The Who - and I teased her that she really can't help it being from Liverpool.

Afterwards we all tried to help her name the baby. She knows it's a boy and that it's last name will be Capon.

"I want to name it Jack Daniels Capon," she said. "Because that way I'll know I'll love it. But my husband doesn't agree."

Some of the ideas we came up with:

Deep Fried Capon

Scouse Git Capon

Otto Capon ("No one fucks with anyone named Otto, ever.")

Cocaine Capon

Capote Capon (Capote means "condom.")

Geezer Capon

Broiled Capon

Camel Light Capon

Afterwards The Dirty Baker brought out the largest pork roast any of us had ever seen. I think we each had a full plate of crackling before we even started on the meat.

It fucking rocked the house.

Looking For Suggestions From The Ladies

Miss Darling wants to kill some of her time during her pre birth maternity leave watching porn.

But, she has specific tastes in porn.

What she doesn't want to see:

1. Anal sex.

2. Sperm.

3. Lesbian sex.

4. Anything soft focus or ridiculously romantic. ("I want to see people fucking.")

What she does want to see:

1. Cute guys.

2. Big dicks.

3. An attempt at a story.

Anyone have any idea for any sites, DVDs, YouPorn clips, etc.. that would fit the bill? Please don't respond "Gay Porn" because while that does often provide three of the things she does like it also provides two of the things she doesn't like.

As a reward for your efforts let me present you with one of the sexiest blogs ever written by a girl.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

This is not particularly safe for work (no nudity, but some suggestive language and girls in skimpy clothing.)

It is hysterical, so if you are at home or have a reasonably cool boss check out the Ironic Sexy Christmas Card Creator.

You don't really have to send any of the cards, just fill out enough information so that you are allowed to "preview" the card.

It's, very, very funny!