September 28th, 2007

Willing To Offend

"I'm very disappointed," said the administrator of The Languedoc Page "I haven't got a single complaint about your blog in months."

"Really," said the Drunk Ex Pat Writer, while handing him and Blond Lesbian a couple shots of vodka. "Let's see what we can do about that."

"It would help," he said. "I used to get several complaints a week that you were not family friendly enough to be on our site. I miss it."

OK Dude, let's see if we can piss off the English speaking poofs, grannies and repressed British boarding school closet homos who

1. Move to France

2. Click on a blog clearly labeled as offensive and then complain when it is offensive.

Here we go!

1. Dear French dudes. If you go into a bar and order a tiny beer mixed with peach syrup you look like a fag. Actually, even worse, because at least fags can take it like a man.

2. Dear French babes. You don't live your life in some 1970s French film. Staring off into space and intentionally posing in cafes while you take 2 hours to drink a small cup of coffee doesn't make you look pretty, wise or cool. It makes you look like a cheap hooker.

3. Dear French people in general. When you go on strike because you think two year conracts or being asked to work more than 35 hours a week is "slavery" you just seem like lazy assholes.

4. Dear German people. Why the fuck do you even bother taking vacations in France? You must know that everyone in this country fucking hates you. Do you also go on vacation in Israel?

5. Dear American student girls in France. Yes, EU guys have foreskins. Get over it. That's the way dicks are supposed to look. It's your American boyfriends who are the weirdos, not the French dudes.

6. Dear American frat boys who visit Europe. Asking for an "Irish Car Bomb Shot" in an actual Irish bar makes you look like an asshat.

7. Dear French landlord who told the French electric company that rome girl had "fled the country" thus causing them to turn off my power last month and who has also made Blond Lesbian wait more than two months before getting her deposit back. Fuck you up the ass with an axe handle. Yes I know that it's the 29th of the month and I haven't given you your rent. Guess what? I have the money but I'm making you wait because you suck.

8. Dear dudes and babes with Mohawks and dogs on string. Fuck you. No, I'm not giving you a cigarette.

9. Dear Montpellier Mayor. Rugby fans are calm decent people. They don't start fights. Telling them they can't even buy apple juice after 2 p.m. makes you look like Chicken Little. Fuck you.

10. Dear French paper companies. Is it really that hard to make toilet paper that won't rip up my ass? And why does it have to be pink? Fuck. Even the Soviet Union in the mid 1970s was able to make decent toilet paper. What the fuck is your problem?