July 18th, 2007

Bachelor Cooking Chapter Seven

About four years ago when I was dirt poor and didn't even have electricity in my crash pad I would have these reoccurring dreams of a magic never ending plate of pork chops. In the dream I could just eat and eat the pork chops and there would always be more.

Calling Dr. Freud!

Anyway, whenever I did have money and the pork chops looked good, this is the way I'd make them.


Step One: Purchase four pork chops, some cheap beer, a jar of mustard, a bottle of barbecue sauce (HP Brand works really well) and a box of boil in bag rice.

Step Two: Pour oil in a pan. Turn on stove.

Step Three: Put the pork chops in the pan. Brown them all on both sides.

Step Four: Put just enough mustard on the top of each chop to cover the chop. Flip chops over and do the same on the other side.

Step Five: Pour one and a half beers over the chops.

Step Six: Mix half the bottle of barbecue sauce into the beer. Stir a good deal.

Step Seven: Turn down to very low heat. Let entire thing simmer for an hour.

Step Eight: Cook Rice.

Step Nine: About ten minutes before the rice will be done, take the chops out of the pan and stick them on a plate. Wrap the plate in aluminum foil. Let the beer/mustard/barbecue sauce continue to simmer.

Step 10: Mix the sauce into the cooked rice.

Step 11: Unwrap plate of chops.

Step 12: Eat!

Living On A Prayer

The Associated Press has an interesting story today about what albums continue to sell years after their release.

The basic idea is that record companies really don't make that huge a profit off of current bestsellers - because they are spending so much money promoting the albums. Their biggest profit margins are the records that are still selling years later - with no marketing budget at all.

So, what, you ask is still selling? Take a look. All figures are for the calendar year ending Dec. 31, 2006.

AC/DC - Back in Black - 440,000 copies

Bon Jovi - Cross Road - 324,000 copies

Metallica - Black Album - 275,000 copies

Trans Siberian Orchestra - Christmas Eve - 289,000 copies

Guns N Roses - Appetite For Destruction - 113,000 copies

How Harry Potter Should End

Harry is riding in a bus from the Ministry of Magic with Herminone and Ron. Because they are fleeing both LaStrange and Voldemort they want to be quiet, but a magical chicken keeps clucking up front. In desperation Harry uses the Avada Kadavra curse on the chicken - only to find out that the the bird was really Gini Weasley under a Voldemort Curse.

Horrified, Harry, Herminone and Ron flee the bus, only to see, in the distance, that Big Ben has toppled onto the banks of the Thames.

"You blew it up you damn dirty Death Eaters," Ron screams while Harry and Herminone rush into a pub, to wait for an arranged meeting with Chow Chang.

Journey starts to play in the background, while Chang has trouble parking the Muggle vehicle on the side of the road.

Hermione notices that her cat, Crookshanks is staring at a picture of Cederic Diggory that has magically appeared on the wall of the pub, when suddenly the door opens and... the next five pages are blank.

Reading Rainbow

I'm sure a lot of the people who read this have already discovered this link to the best of Lisa Carver's diaries.

If not, I highly recommend checking it out.

Lisa Carver is one of the best sex related writers on the Internet. I say "sex related" because while most of her diary entries address sex in some way, they do it in the context of revealing a whole, interesting human being to us. The point isn't to turn us on, it's to make us think.

And she does it very, very well.

It's All So Sugarless,...

Drunken Ex Pat Writer, The Iceman and Big Dave are perhaps the three biggest rock nerds you could ever assemble.

Tonight, the three of us found ourselves in the wonderful Mi Barrio doing pints and, as we always do, talking about rock.

What got us going was the the whole "Holy Fuck! Patti Smith is going to be in Montpellier!" vibe.

What kept us going was when Big Dave said, "You know, girls who really rock out are few and fucking far between." (He said this in a Scottish accent.)

So, we tried to come up with a list of GIRLS WHO FUCKING ROCK

Here's how we did. I know we are missing a bunch. Remember, we were drinking. Also, I'm identifying the women in the way/name we used. Let's have fun with it:

Ani DeFranco

Ronnie Spector


Christie McVie

All of the fucking girls in The Shangrillas




Pat Benatar

Kate Bush (This was debated. One member of our group said she doesn't qualify.)

Chrissie Hyde

The McGuire Sisters

Joan Jett

The Donnas

The Go Gos

Bananarama (there was one dissenter on this as well)

Liz Phair

Overheard In Montpellier

"We thought she had appendicitis," she said. "So we took her to the doctor. It turned out she just needed a big fart."

"Do you speak Anglais," the tourist couple said to the waiter.

"I'm pregnant," she said to Rome Girl. "See you guys in roughly a year!"

"No one cares," he said. "No one fucking cares. They just don't fucking care. I don't care and they don't care and we don't care. (Pause). Can I get a fucking pint here please?"