July 17th, 2007

Bachelor Cooking Chapter Six

Even a drunk bachelor can make haute cuisine once in a while. Particularly if he has an easy recipe that doesn't cost too much.

This one is good because it seems all fancy smancy but really requires roughly 30 minutes of your time.

Of course, you'll have to go to a decent butcher shop, but I think most of you live in cities that are big enough to support them.

The main thing to keep in mind with this, my Honey Quail recipe, is not to over purchase. Quails look tiny, but their meat is really rich. Most big guys are full after eating two of them. Most sane people are good after one or one and a half.

Anyway, this recipe assumes you are cooking for yourself and a date.


Step One: Purchase four fresh quails, a jar of mustard, butter, a jar of honey and boil in bag rice.

Step Two: Put a stick of butter in a small pot. Then pour most of a jar of mustard in the pot. Then squeeze the honey about six or seven times into the pot.

Step Three: Put the pot on low heat and stir the honey and mustard and butter together while it melts.

Step Four: Turn the knob on your oven about two thirds of the way around.

Step Five: Use a spoon to ladle honey mustard sauce over the quails until you have them covered. This should use roughly half the honey mustard.

Step Six: Cook rice.

Step Seven: Put the quails in the oven for 15 minutes.

Step Eight: When rice is done, mix the rest of the honey mustard into the rice.

Step Nine: Eat.


One of my jobs around the house is to clean the toilet. Every time I do so I expect to die.

Of course, I don't but I don't understand why.

You see, I clean the toilet with liquid bleach. Now, back when I was in high school I worked at a grocery store. As part of our training program they taught us the basics of cleaning shit and kept stressing one lesson:

Don't mix ammonia with bleach. It will create a gas that will kill you and other people around you.

They kept repeating this lesson so many times that I had to assume that at some point at Acme Markets a renegade floor cleaner had taken out two customers and a grocery manager by creating a poison cloud of death while trying to spruce up the produce aisle.

So, how come I don't create Xyclon B when I clean the toilet. After all, pee has ammonia in it and I have assume that some pee molecules are still in the toilet (or if Rome Girl is bugging me to clean the toilet, probably on the seat.)

It makes me wonder - was I lied to in Supermarket Training? Or do Rome Girl and I simply have magical ammonia free piss?

The N Word

"I'm sorry," Rome Girl said, " There is no context that can make that word acceptable. It offends me."

This came after I played a certain very popular Patti Smith song to La Bella Roma.

And you know what? In some ways she's right.

On Oct. 18 I'm going to head to The Corum in Centre Ville Montpellier with five white female friends. We will be joined by roughly 4,000 other white people and at some point all of us honkeys are going to start chanting "Nigger! Nigger! Nigger! Nigger! Nigger!"

And none of us will be racist.

Can you think of any other context other than a Patti Smith concert where 4,000 white people screaming the N Word would be anything other than racist?

Yes, we will be doing so understanding that it's meant with irony and a sense of the history of rock and roll and at some point if you understand and love rock and roll you need to scream this word with Patti and you know that she means that all us people who are young and artists and underpaid and chasing dreams are "niggers."

And yes I know that in the years after Patti wrote this song lots of rap guys used this word - but there is a world of difference between a white girl and Old Dirty Bastard using that term.

Yet, it's still one of my favorite rock songs of all fucking time. And I don't think it's really offensive.

So what do you think?

Is Patti crossing the line? Or is it cool?