June 12th, 2007

Kiss, Fuck Or Kill

You ever play "Kiss, Fuck or Kill" in high school?

You didn't?

Well, in Jersey we did. The deal is you name three people and then the other person has to pick one of them to kiss, one of them to fuck and one of them to kill. You can't repeat and you have to pick one for each.

Got it?

Ok, here we go:

Meridith Grey

Paris Hilton

David Chase

It's a tough one, ain't it?

From The Freelance Job Boards

Project Description
I need editing and proofreading for a small fiction novel (24,500 words). the book deals with the spiritual adventures of a cat. the style of the book is a cross between "jonathan livingston seagull" and "the alchemist."

Cumming Back For More

Have now been hired to write a second book on making girls cum.

This one is called "The Ancient Secret To Giving Girls Orgasms And Making Them Come Back For More."

Neither me nor the client have decided what the "ancient secret" is yet, but hopefully it will be more creative than "play with her clit" or "go down on her."

I'm thinking it should involve eye of newt and cock of iron.

For Emma's Sexy Mom

"When you talk to us in person, Bart, you explain very well why you love the Stones and hate the Beatles," Emma's Sexy Mom said tonight over a pint of lager. "So, someday you are going to do me a fucking favor and explain it on your fucking blog."


"Ok," the Drunk Ex Pat Writer said, "But when the Beatles fans start beating up on me in comments, I'm not going to respond to the ignorant mother fuckers, you are going to respond to them."

"I'm recovering from a coma, Bart," she said. "They won't let me work, I'm not getting laid and I'm at home all day with the fucking computer. I'd like nothing better then to spend my day telling the savages who like the Liverpool bastards that they are ignorant."

"I think they are called Scousers, not bastards," said DEPW.

"Is there a difference," a passerby commented.

1. The scouse gits never fucking toured. Don't give me this bullshit about their fucking years playing in hamburg, frankfurter or pizza, Germany. That's not the same fucking thing. For one they weren't the same fucking band. At that time, they had a talented drummer. For another, they were a fucking local bar band. That's a big fucking difference from being a fucking known band and playing where people who fucking knew something about bands could hear you or comment on you.

2. The Glimmer Twins for better or for worse always fucking got on stage and did it. They put albums out and took the time to develop as a band. Sometimes this meant bad tracks, but other times it meant great tracks. What it did mean is that they functioned as a real fucking band, not as some weird artificial studio creation.

3. Give me the fucking money, time and back up people the Beatles had going for them and I'll find five people to make something like Sgt. Pepper. It's not that hard if you have unlimited takes, cahs and the best fucking musical equipment in the fucking world. But you know what I couldn't do with all the fucking money in the world? Create Exile on Mainstreet - which was made in the worst fucking recording conditions possible, with almost no takes or retakes while the Stones were essentially bankrupt because of fuckwit UK tax law.

4. Say what you will about Mick and Keith, but they would never have fucking let a girl come between them and their band. Trust me on this one - Anita tried it. She failed.

5. The Stones never intentionally fucked with their fans. While the Beatles, selfish twats that they were, wrote stuff like "I am the Walrus" which was designed to make fun of their fans. They did it because they held you in contempt.

6. None of Mick's ex wives has ever once had to bitch or worry about being left with nothing. Sir Paul is ready to impoverish an ex wife who is a fucking cripple. Beyond that, he's trying to get the copyright "Lennon, McCartney" changed to "McCartney, Lennon." For shame, Sir Paul. For Shame.

7. Most importantly - try to honestly name a Beatle cooler than Keith. Just fucking try.