May 26th, 2007

Back On Meds

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

For the past two years I've been trying to live without medication - and thought I was winning.

But, I had a bad, bad manic episode last night. No memory of it - which is what always fucking happens - but by all accounts I was a raving lunatic.

Went to the doctor this morning after Rome Girl was like "get the fuck back on medication or get the fuck out of the apartment."

Not the first impression I wanted to make on Miss Brown.

Anyway, the doctor knows my aversion to paxil and lithium. He thinks I probably should be on them, but also thinks that knowing me I'll stop taking them before they can become effective, because the side effects kick in before the goodness of them does and the side effects (essentially becoming a spaced out eunuch) drive me crazier than being crazy.

So, for the time being he's put be back on Xanax (the theory being that my craziness is in general super bad social anxiety disorder.)

He said to try to live on .25 mgs a day, but that I can take up to 1 mg if I feel myself slipping.

I'm so fucking mad at myself for not being healthy and for scaring Rome Girl.

I just want to be fucking normal.