May 8th, 2007

Not To Get Off On A Rant Here

But when you work as a freelance writer one of the most common things you get asked to do is write self help stuff.

It's the only type of writing I've seen where the clients always insist on having a female writer for books targeted at females and a male writer for books targeted at males.

What pisses me off about this is that it ends up creating two very different types of ebooks - even though they are designed to solve the same problem.

Both types of books could almost universally be titled "How To Find A Romantic Partner And Keep Them Around And Happy For A Long Time."


Whenever a client wants a book targeted to females he or she wants the book to talk about how to communicate with a guy, how to get a guy to open up to her, how to get in contact with the guy's feelings and how to make sure the guy wants her. Often, this involves giving him less sex, in order to somehow spark his interest, and mold him into a guy who wants to express complex emotional shit.

Whenever a client wants a book targeted to males, it's all about sexual technique. How to finger her, how to eat her out, how to find her g-spot, what positions to fuck her in, how to make their cock stay harder longer (and it one case "how to have a bigger ejaculate load that will make her swoon").

Imagine a couple each buys one of these books. She's reading about how to give him less sex and get him to talk, while he's reading a book about how to make her love him by fingering her asshole, while caressing her nipples and licking her clit, all the while hoping he's finally found the way to shoot the biggest ejaculate load she's ever seen onto her tits.

It's just a fucking disaster waiting to happen.

Chinese Democracy

Rough Analysis of the new leaked Chinese Democracy tracks:

Chinese Democracy - Perhaps the most modern and interesting of the bunch. It's tight, loud and Axl sounds crazy - which is pretty much what you want if you want Guns N Roses. It does sound an awful lot like Rob Zombie's Hellbilly Deluxe album - in mood and beat primarily - but it's at least not dipping into Appetite For Destruction Land and the guitar work will eat it's way into your soul. The intro is a bit overproduced. I'd like it better if it just opened with the guitar licks.

There Was A Time - The only one I don't have a link for you here because they pulled the download site down. You can find it on Youtube, however, by searching "Guns N Roses T.W.A.T." A nice little track and they incorporate strings very well. It suffers from being mixed to sound like November Rain, but it doesn't push it too far. Axl doesn't scream much, which is a good thing or a bad thing depending on your taste. It's about a minute too long. They either need to shorten the break in the middle or find a way for the break to build better to the final verse.

I.R.S. - My personal favorite of the "New Four." It's reckless, sloppy and meanders, but holy shit it's rock and roll. The paranoia seeps from the bass and Axl sounds like an angry banshee who is about to break down in tears. It almost doesn't have a chorus, but then it does. It's the kind of song you'd want to listen to after a bad day at work when you are really pissed off at the world and want to scream randomly "I'm gonna make it a federal case! I'm gonna call in the FBI! I'm gonna call out the IRS!" We've all felt that way and this is the song for that moment. I'm not sure it would work as well, however, if you were in a normal mood and/or driving your car.

The Blues - I'm not sure what this is doing here. It sounds like an outtake from Appetite For Destruction. It's a fucking mid 80s hair metal power ballad. I swear to god I think I've heard that exact break in several Motley Crue, Poison and Great White tracks. The only explanation for the existence of this track is that the record company wanted a nostalgia piece on there to market the album to 40 year olds still into the music of their teens. Unfortunately, this probably means it will get the most airplay of the entire bunch. Rome Girl says it sounds to her like his vocals were recorded on six different days. Given the history of this album, it's possible they were recorded on 600 different days.