December 12th, 2005

Fall Down Two Times. Stand Up Three Times.

When I first knew that Rome Girl would be away this week I thought I'd spend Monday night buying and watching DVDs that she has no interest in (Alien VS. Predator, The L Word, Penthouse Best of Breast Collection, etc..) but after what happened Sunday night I felt like I had to go to Fitzpatrick's Irish Pub tonight.

Part of me felt like if I didn't go back right away I'd lose a part of my soul and I'd never get it back. I needed to drink a pint and then pee in the bathroom without getting beaten up.

I had to confront shit.

I'm so glad I went. Mr. Twist and Mr. Bitch nicknamed me "Rocky" but after two minutes of joking around about what happened, everything was back to normal. No one treated me any differently than they had before. I got no pity and I got no derision.

I was just treated like the same guy I always was.

And after an assault that is the greatest gift you can recieve.

This is why Fitzpatrick's Irish Pub is the best pub in the world.

Bart

Pussy Power Part Two

Hi.

It's Squirt here again.

As a cat I really don't have much to do with my day except sit on the window and watch people in the street. Doing so has made me realize how simple you hairless apes are - and how clueless you are about most things.

Recently one of my owners (the hairy one) pointed out to me that the tall stinky people who feed cats often need advice. Since all I do all day is watch you people do shit, I figure I'm as good an advisor as any other.

Therefore, from now on once a week I'll respond to anyone who sends me a question about their love or work lives. Just send your questions to "Dear Squirt" at this address.

Let's get started!


Q. One of my owners has disappeared! Worse still, the one that is still here is not the one that smells nice and changes my litter box. It's the weird one who farts in the bed and spends all day online! What's a cat to do!?!

A. This is your chance at the big time. Simply meow alot and he'll feel so guilty that his female is gone that he'll give you double food. Meanwhile, sleep on the bed next to him with you paws touching his face. He'll think it's so "cute" he'll buy you cream. Milk this situation baby!

Q. I'm about to take my final physics exams but I don't quite understand String Theory. Can you help?

A. Just bat it around until it gets wrapped around your paws. That means you've won!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. So I could eat it.

Q. What is the best rock song ever?

A. "Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent.

Q. I'm not sure if my boyfriend really loves me. How can I test him?

A. Piss on his bed. If he still feeds you afterwards, he's a keeper.

Squirt.