December 1st, 2005

The Dirty Baker

Dig if you will a picture of a sweet British woman in her early 40s with two adorable children. Imagine her working in her garden in the South of France, waiting for her husband to come back from yet another business trip. Dig if you will a courtyard, next her pool, that is blue.

Now, imagine that she makes cakes shaped like dicks, vaginas and asses for a living. Contemplate "girl's nights out" when she dresses up in leather and leaves every male over 30 salivatinig with envy of her Belgian stud puppy husband.

While generally putting out the vibe of the "cool mom you can trust" the Dirty Baker's wild side is always waiting to leap out. One night at the English Pub I Am Banned From, the Dirty Baker and I managed to clear out the place by getting up on the tables, dancing and lip syncing the entire Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack - complete with "pelvic thrusts that will drive you insane."

"This is going to be a hard one," Rome Girl said. "She's not really someone you can define."

"She doesn't think it's neccesary to drink champagne for breakfast," Miss Darling commented. "She thinks it's obligatory."

And that's the crux of the problem. Behind The Dirty Baker's oh so respectable exterior lives the heart of cool warrior woman, willing to fight to the death for her children, her husband and her friends.

The fact that she is part of the cutest couple in the history of the world is just a small slice of her charm. She and her husband sometimes go out, buy a pizza, drive to a seculded road and then make out and eat pizza in the car! If you don't find that adorable, then you probably drown kittens.

Speaking of which - she owns the sluttiest cats in the world. Roughly five times a year, she'll go around Fitzpatrick's trying to find people willing to adopt any of the latest litters of kittens. There have been times when both her cats have had kittens to deal with at the same time.

That said The Dirty Baker is the most loyal human being I have ever met - and if I was ever in a bar fight, she'd be the one I'd want covering my back.

Raise a gin and tonic to the Dirty Baker!