October 17th, 2005

Mr Bitch

They say that bad boys get all the pussy - and Mr. Bitch proves the rule.

This dirty blond bette noir is the male Fiztpatrick's sex symbol. As Miss Darling says of this mid-20s Irish Rogue - "I don't really want to shag him, but I really, really like looking at him."

Being beatiful, Mr. Bitch has long since learned that he has no need to ever be nice or pleasant to anyone. When you walk in the bar he is as likely to say "Fuck you!" or "Back for more fucking abuse?" as he is to actually attempt to serve you a drink.

Attempting to ask Mr. Bitch for anything more involved than a shot of whiskey or a pint of beer is to set yourself up for a rant on the unfairness of the world, why everyone he knows sucks, reasons why people should just up and die so he doesn't have to serve them or how much you suck.

Sometimes when people order a drink in French, he will respond in either Spanish, German or Italian, in the vague hope they will be confused enough to simply walk away.

The other day, we all had to wait a while for our drinks because he was randomly setting pieces of paper on fire behind the bar. This was not considered strange. While no one in this country tips, he will sometimes simply refuse to give you your change if he feels he deserves it.

Yet, how can anyone really get upset with Montpellier's own version of Brad Pitt? Plus, he comes from a place called (I am not shitting you) "Dingle." Insert the joke of your choice here.

For his first year or so here Mr. Bitch was a male slut extradonairre and had more Sweedish, French, Irish and English pussy than the road crew of an Everclear show. If I ever need to learn the different vintages, textures and smells of pussy from across the EU, Mr. Bitch is the man I'd ask to help me.

He's now been fucking The Girl Who Sits In The Corner Of The Bar for more than a year and is slowly becoming a decent member of the very society he hates.

Mr. Bitch also has a great mind, reads several newspapers front to back every day, is addicted to the crosswords and although constantly smoking hash, able to hold long discourses on any current news event.

It's the physical beauty combined with an understated intelligence and a feral resistance to authority that keeps bringing people back to the bar and ensures that all panties in a 20 foot radius of Mr. Bitch are always damp, if not soaking.

Raise a package of Trojans to Mr. Bitch!